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Pulp to Pulp

8 september 2007



Pulp To Pulp

© copyright 1996 by the author, Slev Uunofski


The author’s web page is located at www.cyberspike.com
  1. I Thought You Were Dead
  2. Per Diem
  3. A Lump Of Dog Turd With Frank’s Name On It
  4. Chana
  5. The Desinex Burger
  6. Chewing the Cud at Louie Louie’s
  7. Where the Sharke Bubble Blow
  8. Suzy Creams & Cheeses
  9. The Jar is Under the Bed
  10. I Am the Zombie Woof
  11. I’m So Lonely
  12. The Band Played On
  13. One Big Fat Daddy
  14. Let The Good Times Roll
  15. Tinman, Bonehead & Weasel
  16. A Quickie for my Shrink
  17. A Slow day at the Office
  18. Just Some Sex and Nothing But Some Sex
  19. The German Connection
  20. The Shrink Got Plooked and Everyone Was Happy
  21. Kink du Jour
  22. Road Ladies Improvisation
  23. The Night of the German Shossage
  24. Where Are the Brain Police When You Need Them?
  25. Judgement Day Cometh
  26. And the Walls Came’a Tumblin’ Down
  27. The End of Ass as We Know It
  28. The Big Climactic Frenzy

Note

Steve Greeno, aka Slev Uunofski, mailed this novel in parts to friends while writing it. I published the installments on my previous web site where it has been online until january 2007.
On 7 September 2007 I retrieved it from the archive, adding a picture I made this summer in a home in France. I have made small typographical changes, mainly in the quotation marks, and sticking to Z. for the name of the fictitious composer/musician and his spouse.
The author, Steve Greeno, suddenly passed away june 24, 2003, his death caused by complications of a knee infection that didn't look so alarming.
When the news of his passing away reached me, I added this information to the online manuscript, explaining that “Our thoughts are with his wife Antje and with his close friends. With Steve, we have lost the hope that he provided. He did so with his energy and originality, his kindness and humor, his uncompromising willpower, his ability to make a difference. He made a huge difference.”
Frans Goddijn


Note by Bill lantz

Steve Greeno was never one afraid to mince words and had a clear opinion on everything that mattered to him, which was a lot. He was a true music aficionado with an extensive musical collection across the board. He took many classic photos through the 70’s and early 80’s as a part of his then job. Some of the Genesis/Peter Gabriel shots can be seen on my website. He was the webmaster for what basically became the John Cooper Clarke official homepage. Also did many, many web designs for companies and this became his trade in the last few years. His latest website for "unknown origin" was http://207.167.77.118/ and his business was really starting to take off. He loved living in the desert of 29 Palms California in his house in the middle of the desert, he was a nature lover, and rallied (in his inimitable "in your face" way) the town of 29 Palms to try and clean up the desert. He even contacted the governor and got a reply! He is survived by his long time companion Antje. I know he still had his Mom in the UK. Man, I miss that guy a lot already!
Bill Lantz
lantz@cableaz.com


Note by John Scialli

The first half of the 1990’s brought all sorts of people up against all sorts of people all blind fishing in this new community pool called Usenet. These groupings quickly sorted themselves into mutual admiration societies many of which rightly disintegrated in a narcissistic implosion. What was left eventually matured (for me) into Olde World correspondences and friendships. Slev was one of those people whose friendship I valued, still value, and whose life showed just what generosity was. I’ve noticed this about other Euro-beings (the webmaster here for instance): They (Slev) were able to be connected with people through words and actions and not through items. Steve shared himself in a manner which rang true. People were more important to him than things and he valued personhood in non-people living things as well. He fought for these beliefs. He was sentient. I liked that in Steve. Early on he was involved in the "My Country Is The World"-type movement (Garry Davis). When he moved to 29 Palms he saw that idiots were ruining the desert and he did not like idiots. I liked that in him also. He demanded action from others and people had a hard time being dishonest in front of him. He was an original thinker and some people didn’t like originality. I liked that about him too. The stupist thing he ever did was to die. I don’t like that.
John Scialli
scialli@mindspring.com


Review by Roberto Umberto Dedaria

In a mire of Johnny come latelies, a fresh voice is heard in the wilderness of modern day literature. Most of the writers today are over the age of 45. The combined baby boomers/ME generation are too busy watching Melrose, 90210, and listening to Hootie to care about reading. This is why I am welcoming the under 45 Slev Uunofski. From what I understand he lives in a shack somewhere in the California desert devoting his life to art and art related industries. Such dedication could only produce a gem entitled I THOUGH YOU WERE DEAD (AKA: PULP TO PULP).
ITYWD involves the late Frank Zappa ringing up private investigator Slev Uunofksi. If I say anymore, I would be giving away too much. Suffice it to say, Uunofski holds your interest like a Koontz thriller; has steamy sex a la Sidney Sheldon or even better yet, the real good trash of Jacqueline Susann. I hate to use this term, but it IS a real page turner.
Let us not forget the humor. Uunofski combines the dry wit of Salinger or Steinbeck, the tongue in cheek British touch of Wodehouse, the sly, comic observations of Twain, and the rip roaring, knee slapping laugh out loud comedy of Jim Varney (of the Ernest movies).
Uunofski is constantly adding to the novella on a daily basis. His serialization is reminiscent of Dickens, Maupin, and now Stephen King (his serialized novel begins in March). Whenever a new chapter appears, one stops what they are doing and begins to read, then waits for more.
Rumor has it that Uunofski is concurrently working on the screenplay as he writes the novel and is in negotiations with Fox and Universal for the rights. Spielberg may direct. We contacted sources close to Spielberg who said that the megabucks director was looking for a Sam Spade-type of movie for his next project. The sources also say that Spielberg loved The Maltese Falcon as a kid and loved to read Daishel Hammet and Micky Spillane. The Uunofski product fits the bill.
Let me say right off, even though ITYWD sounds like a throwaway million seller, let me assure you that this is LITERATURE. Beneath the pulpy exterior lurks the makings of a true novel: characterization, symbolism, philosophical innuendo.
All I can say is: WELCOME TO THE LITERARY SCENE, MR UUNOFSKI.
(ITYWD is soon to be a Book of the Month club selection.)


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Note from the author

Date : Wed Jan 24, 07:12

Frans,
like I said, I’m honored and flattered that you liked it enough to stick on your web page.
I also feel like a real writer now that you have changed the title.
I don’t mind whatever the fuck you do.
But you gotta say in bold print that any characters mentioned are absolutely based on fiction and not real life or something.

s


I thought you were dead

Date : Mon Jan 22, 19:31

The phone rang:

“Hello... Slev Uunofski Ace Detective here” was my usual sarcastic answer any time I actually picked it up. I preferred to let the machine run so I could see who it was first, but not always.

“This is Frank. I’d like you to come and do some work for me.”

I recognised the voice right away and said “Are you sure you want me? You know I’m not too good at working with other people.”

“No. I know all about you and know You’re my man. I’ve got a job for you if you want it.”

“Sure, tell me what you need.”

“Well, why don’t you come over and I’ll fill you in. You know where I live right?. When can you come over?”

“When’s good for you? Tonight?” I asked.

“Yeah... say around 8:30.”

“Ok, I’ll see you then. But one question.”

“Sure. Shoot.” he said

“I thought you were dead.” I tried to make it sound as though I was making a joke, but I don’t think it came out that way.

“Do I sound dead?”

“Not to me. You sound fine.” I said, trying to sound cool and recover some lost composure.

“Well, ok then. I’ll see you around eight-thirty. And if you want something to drink, you better bring it yourself because I don’t have anything.”

“Ok” I said, and he hung up. I wonder what he wants done I mused. I mean, Frank can afford anybody, why call me? I looked at the time. It was three o’clock. I didn’t have any other cases to work on, so I logged into the Internet to see if I had any e-mail. I fancied checking out some of the amateur porno as well. The girls were usually dogs, but they did stuff to get you good and hard. I jacked off in front of lisa and some her friends, and let the cum flow onto the desk. mmmm. That was good. Time for a nap before I drive over to Mulholland and see Frank.

I drove through town to the house, pulled up at the gates and pushed the intercom button. “I’m here to see Frank” I said. “I’ve got an appointment.

“Fuck off before I call the police” someone said. It was a woman’s voice.

“Who said that? what’s your name? I’ve got an appointment to see Frank at 8:30. Would you please tell him Slev is at the gate and would like to come in.”

“I said Fuck off. If you don’t get out of my driveway in ten seconds, I’m gonna call the police.”

“You better wash your mouth out lady. I don’t know who you are, but I don’t think Frank would like you talking to me that way. Is he there or not? I do have other things I can do you know.”

“that’s it. I’ve called them. They’re on their way. I’m gonna have you arrested for trespassing buddy.”

“Lady, I don’t know who you are, but it sounds like you need a good slap in the head. I’m leaving. Please tell Frank that I was here, and if he wants to see me, he can come to my office.”

“Frank’s dead you asshole. he’s been dead for two years. don’t you ever read a newspaper? Now fuck off.”

I backed the car out of the drive and turned around. I drove back down into town, found a quiet bar, and went in for a drink. What a joke I thought to myself. I knew he was dead. Someone’s obviously taking me for a tosser. Why did I fall for it. I was so stupid. When I find out who it is I’m gonna kick ‘em in the fucking balls.

I was sitting there drinking a pretty decent margarita and reading the LA Times, thinking how pathetic everything was, when a waitress came over and said there was a phone call for me. No-one could know I was here, so I wondered who it might be. I ordered another margarita and went to the phone at the bar.

“Slev. It’s Frank.”

“Hey man. don’t give me that crap again. You got me once and if I find you, I’m gonna kick you in the fuckin’ nuts. Where are you. Come on, tell me where you are. I’ll come over there right now.”

“I’m at home. I was in the basement. I just heard about the trouble and I’m sorry. That was my wife. She gets a little nutty sometimes.”

“A little!” I sarcastically replied. I drove all the way over there and she threatened to call the police on me.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. Look stay where you are and I’ll come there right now.”

“Ok, but How’d you know where I was? This is too weird.”

“The Grand Wazoo told me. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

“Frank... if you know where I am, you must know that it’ll take you a good thirty minutes to get here, but I’ll wait, just so I can kick you in the fucking nuts”

“Allright. I’ll be there in five minutes. don’t go anywhere.”

So I waited. Had another margy and thought to myself they make a pretty fair drink in this place. I’d have to remember it and come back sometime.

to be continued...

(laugh now)

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Per Diem

Date : Tue, 23 Jan 1996 20:05

I was sitting there drinking and reading, and saw someone come into the bar from the corner of my eye. It was Frank. Or at least it looked like Frank. He came over and sat down.

“I’m sorry about what happened back at the house man. Can I buy you another drink or something?”

“Yeah... I’ll have a Maragrita. And order some food too, I’m getting hungry.”

So he went to the bar and ordered some stuff and came back. He sat down next to me and lit up a Winston (or was it a Marlboro?).

I said... “You look like Frank, but who are you really?”

“Look, I’ve already said I was sorry about what happened at the house, and I’ve come down here to meet you, isnt’t that enough?”

“How’d you get here so quickly? It took me half an hour to drive here from your place, and there was no traffic or anything. Then all of a sudden You’re here in five minutes. You didn’t come from the house.”

“So I’ve got a fast car. Does it really matter? I have a job for you that I think you’d be good at. Are you interested or not?”

“Do you know my rates? I charge $500 a day plus expenses. No personal checks. You guys in the music business can’t be trusted.”

“Not a problem. I’ll pay you a grand per day plus expenses if You’ll take my case. It’ll only take you ten days at the most, and if you want. I’ll pay you cash up front.”

“There might be some per diem expenses.”

“All right, and per diem too. Does that make you happy?”

“Per diem always makes me happy Frank. Now what is it you need done? You want your wife to have a little accident or something?” I sat back and took a slow drink of the margy, waiting for him to explain. It didn’t taste as stong as the other ones. They were cutting back on the tequila. The usual trick. Next time the waitress comes past, I’d have to ask her to fix it up a bit. Frank was talking, but I hadn’t really started to listen yet. I was more concerned about my weak margarita.”

“So you see...” he was saying .” ...you can do this”

“See What?” I don’t see nothing yet.

“The album. I don’t want Reeko to release it. They’ve fucked up all the rereleases on my other stuff, and I don’t want them to get this new one that I’m working on.”

“what’s it called?” I asked.

“I don’t know yet. I was thinking about calling it ‘Music from the Big Note‘ but I haven’t decided yet.”

“Well, what do you want me to do.”

“I want you to set up a new independent label in your name. I’ll give you the master tape so you can release it.”

“what’s the catch?” I asked. “I suppose I’ll get sued by your wife for attachment of my balls, right?”

“No. Nothing like that. Look, I’ll give you some expense money to get started.” He got out his wallet and peeled off a bunch of bills. I counted them out.

“There’s ten grand here.” I said. “Ok, I’ll work on it for a few days, but if I run into any problems, the deal’s off. Let me have your number in case I need to get hold of you.”

“No. I’ll call you in a week. That should give you enough time to set it up. I’m busy right now rehearsing the new band and don’t want to be disturbed by anyone. I’ll call you. Just get it done.”

“Allright. You got a deal.” I said. “I gotta take a leak. I’ll be right back.”

I walked to the restroom and aimed high. I always aimed high after a few drinks. As usual, there was never any soap to wash your hands with. don’t these people care about germs I thought. When I got back to the table Frank had gone. There was just a card on the table. &lsqu;Frank Z. Musician, Composer, Artist’ was all it said. No phone or fax number or nothing.

“I’ll have my check when You’re ready” I told the waitress when she came by. “And I’d appreciate you not charging for that last drink. It didn’t have any tequila in it.”

She brought me the check, and I looked it over. $25 for six margaritas and a cheesburger.

“Excuse me Miss. I didn’t order this cheesburger. That was the other guy.”

“What other guy?” she said. “I didn’t see anyone else.”

“Ok, what the fuck. I’ll pay it.” I just want to get out of here. So I put down thirty bucks on the table and left. My car was still exactly where I parked it, which is always a miracle in Hollywood, and I got in. I looked at the clock on the dash. It said eleven o’clock. I didn’t feel like driving all the way home, so I thought I’d stop by at Tom’s place and see if I could crash out there the night. Any important e-mail would have to wait til tomorrow.

to be continued

(maybe)

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A Lump Of Dog Turd With Frank’s Name On It

Date : Wed, 24 Jan 1996 14:12

After a heavy night of drinking and smoking weed with Tom, I was severely hung over, and driving through the rush-hour traffic to my rented office in Long Beach was like driving through hell. But I made it, and only had to flip the finger to one idiot driver who couldn’t wait his turn at a four-way stop sign. They should take these people’s license away I thought. I walked up the stairs to the second floor, and hoped that it would be the only exercise I got that day. My door was already open. I knew it wasn’t the cleaner because I hadn’t paid her in six weeks so she didn’t come around anymore. A burglar I thought.

I nudged the door open with my foot, slowly. I wasn’t going to walk in there to whatever was going on with my eyes closed. As it swung open, I could see in the glass the reflection of someone sitting in my chair. It was a woman. A large woman, with glasses. I knew right away who it was, so I walked in.

“How did you get in here?” I asked her.

“The door was open, so I thought it was ok to come in.” she said.

“That door wasn’t open and you know it. And even if it was, it still don’t give you the right to walk in. Let’s cut the crap. What do you want lady?”

While I was talking to her, I’d moved over to the light switch and pushed the alarm button. It was a silent alarm installed in all the offices for just such an emergency. It sent a signal straight to the precinct at the end of the street. I’m going to enjoy seeing her being carried away when they get here in a few minutes I thought to myself.

“Is this dried cum on your desk?” she asked, pointing to a large stain in front of my computer. “That is just too disgusting.”

“Look lady, It’s my desk, and I’ll do what I want with it. If I want to take a dump on it, I’ll take a dump on it. You got a problem with that?”

“The only thing I have a problem with is you Mr. Uunofski. A little bird told me that you had a meeting with Frank last night.”

“Hey. Frank’s dead... remember? You told me that yourself last night, or have you forgotten?”

“I thought you were the one who said cut the crap? If you want to play dumb, that’s fine with me. But I’m here to warn you. If you touch the Big Note album, You’re a dead man. that’s my album, and no-one is going to release it but me.”

I heard a noise outside, and saw the boys in blue coming up the corridor.

“In here fellows.” I shouted. They came in. There was two of them. “I found this woman in my office. She broke in. If you check her pockets, You’ll find she’s got some stuff that doesn’t belong to her. And she was threatening me.”

“You piece of shit.” she cursed at me.

“Lady. You’re the one that’s full of shit. I hope you packed your overnight bag for where they’re taking you.”

“Do you want to press charges sir?” they asked me.

“Damn right I do... breaking and entering, theft, and threatening my life.”

They cuffed her and led her away.

“You can’t do this to me... I’m Gail Za...”

Her voice trailed off as they took her down the stairs. Serves you right I thought. Maybe Frank ain’t dead after all.

“Hey guys” I called after them. “You might ask her what happened to Dotty and Mariel while You’re at it. People have been mysteriously disappearing without trace from her employ for a while now. If I was you, I’d get a search warrant and dig up some of the planters outside her bedroom window.”

I sat down and checked my machine. There were 5 calls.

“...Mr. Uunofski. Your library books are three weeks overdue and you must bring them back as soon as possible.” beep, beep, beep, “... Hey Slev, you took my cigarettes with you when you left this morning you bastard. You owe me a pack.” beep, beep, beep, “...Mr. uunofski, this is the Immigration and Naturalization Services calling. Your request for a Green Card had been turned down again, and you have six months to leave the country. Please call us to confirm receipt of this message.” beep, beep, beep, “...Hello. I’m trying to contact Unknown Origin. We are doing an album and need some artwork done. I’m not sure if this is the right number. I’ll call back later.” beep, beep, beep, “...Hello. I just called about some artwork. I don’t know if the machine was working, or if I had the right number, so I tried again. If you just got this message, please ignore it, I’ll call again later.”

I rewound the machine and reset it. Nothing was too important so I logged in to the net and checked my e-mail. I got a couple of interesting letters from different people, but nothing really riveting, so shut the computer down again. Then the phone rang again. Stupidly I picked it up.

“Hello, I was calling about some artwork we need for an album we’re doing.”

“I’m sorry” I said, “I don’t do that kind of stuff anymore. I’m a detective now. Good day,” and hung up.

The phone rang again so I grabbed the receiver and said.... “Look buddy, don’t you listen? I said I don’t do artwork anymore. You’ll have to find someone else.”

“Slev. It’s Frank. I just wanted to warn you. My wife knows about the Big Note album. She had me followed last night. You’ll have to be careful. She can be dangerous. She’s got a gun you know.”

“Frank. don’t worry. I took care of it already. She won’t be bothering anyone for a little while yet. I’ll be starting on your case today. You never said what you wanted me to call the label though. Is there any particular name you have in mind?”

“Hey man, I couldn’t give a crap what you call it. It doesn’t make any difference to me. You call it whatever you want. Those idiots out there will buy a lump of dog turd if it has my name on it.”

“Ok, then. that’s what I’ll call it.”

“What?”

“A Lump Of Dog Turd With Frank’s Name On It.”

“Yeah. I like it. I’ll call you next week with the tape.”

“Hey Frank.”

“What. Hurry up. I gotta go. The band just played a wrong note and I want to go and give them hell.”

“I was just curious. What really happened to Mariel and Dotty?”

“Oh... let’s just say that they’re around. Now get this label set up because I don’t want any last minute screw-ups.”

“Consider it done. Call me next week when You’re ready. Adios amigo.”

“Yeah. Arf to you too.”

It was quiet again. I opened the drawer and pulled out my bottle of Black Label scotch, the nectar of the God’s. I Found a semi-clean glass and poured a stiff one. I needed it. I checked the weed situation. I was low. Maybe just enough to last the day if I went easy, which I never did. I rolled a skinny one and sat back smoking. A few more drinks and a couple more joints and it’d be time to check out the net again. Ahhhhh, this is the life.

If I get this sorted out for Frank, maybe, I thought to myself, just maybe, I might have enough money to pay an immigration attorney to get another appeal going. I had nothing to lose at this point. I wondered what Buk’ would do.

I didn’t have time to think about it because the phone rang again. Jeezuz, ain’t there any peace to be had any more? I didn’t want to answer it, so I let the machine pick it up. It was the Police.

I grabbed the receiver and said “Sorry about that, I was outside and didn’t hear it ring. What can I do for you?”

“It’s about that woman we arrested in your office.”

“Yeah, what about her. You haven’t let her go already I hope.”

“Well, we had to. We charged her with six misdemeanors, but her big-shot attorney just came in a limo and bailed her out. I thought we should let you know. We will also require you to be a witness at the trial.”

“What about the search warrant for her house? didn’t you get one?”

“I’m sorry, without more proof, we have nothing to go on. The judge won’t issue a search warrant without evidence that a serious crime has been committed.”

“Ok” I said. “I’ll get you your proof. People have been disappearing left and right over that place for years and no-one seems to notice.”

“Well, anytime you have more information, please let us know. In the meantime, be careful. She has a gun you know.”

“Thanks officer. I’m aware of it. I’ll be careful.”

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Chana

Date : Wed Jan 24 1996, 16:32

I must have dozed off, because I was awakened by a knock on the door. I was having a great dream as well. I was in bed with my girlfriend, and for some strange reason, Tim Robbins the actor was staying over for the night. Without my ok, he’d joined us in bed and was giving my girlfriend one from behind while she was kissing me. Then, when she was really hot and panting, he pulled out and sat at the end of the bed and finished himself off by hand. I was watching how he worked at it. I know everyone does it differently, but I’d never seen Tim give himself a hand-job before, and I was curious how he did it. Then, when he came, this purple colored cum came out and ran all over the bed sheets and carpet. I didn’t think he was ever going to stop cum’ing. It was staining everything it touched bright purple. I was worrying how I might clean it all up when I realized that it was only a dream. Jeez, what’s the matter with me?

The knocking on the door went on, only louder this time, so I said “Hold on. I’m coming.” Which was almost true. I certainly had a boner. But I was pissed that my girlfriend would cheat on on me like that. If she really loved me, she would have told him to stop, but she didn’t. She just had this orgasmic smile on her face that somehow made me feel inadequate. She was glowing bright red and loving every minute of it.

I opened the door, and there was a cute looking chick standing there. Things are looking up I thought.

“I’m looking for Slev ...you...noff...sky?” she said hesitatingly, not quite sure of how to pronounce my name.

“You found him.” I said. What can I do you for?”

“My name’s Chana. I was told that you do detective work...”

“Well, it has been known. what’s the matter, have you lost your cat or something? You sure You’re not looking for Ace Ventura?”

“No. what makes you say that?”

“Oh nothing. Just a joke. I was asleep and you woke me up.”

“Sorry. I know I don’t have an appointment or anything, but Andre from the gallery down the street said you sometimes help people out.”

“Well, I’ll try. What exactly is it you need?”

“I’m not sure really. I think someone else is using my name, but need to know for sure. Everywhere I go, they say, ‘Oh, from the bushwop, right’ whenever I tell them my name. I want to know what’s going on and what it means.”

“What ‘what’ means? Bushwop, or if someone is using your name?”

“Well, both. What do you think? Can you help?”

“To be honest, I’m working on something right now, but I should be free in a couple of days if it can wait. Do you have anything to go on?”

“Maybe. I’ve got these charges on my credit card for stuff that I didn’t buy. Are they connected?”

“I’ll need to see the receipts. I can check them out for you if you want. Why don’t you leave me everything you’ve got, and I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Ok, you can keep all this, and here’s my card. Please give me a call if you find something.”

“Well, satisfaction is my middle name. I’ll call you next week and let you know what I found.”

“Thanks. I’d really appreciate it. I should go, because I’ve only got ten minutes on the meter downstairs, and I don’t want another ticket.”

I showed her to the door and watched her walk to the elevator. She had a cute ass and nice firm legs. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind seeing her naked under the sheets I thought to myself as she stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.”

“It’s usually quicker to walk” I said.

“Oh, It’s here now. Please call me. Bye. “ And then she was gone.

I looked at her card. &;squo;Chana Lang. Beautician.’ That figures. Then I looked at her credit-card receipts. There were charges for car rental, face creams, lotions, shampoos, guitar strings, microphones, other assorted electrical equipment, some books, and Fed Ex charges. It wasn’t difficult to see that she was into a few different things. She’s marked all the electrical stuff with a yellow highlighter, so I figured these were the things she didn’t order. They had addresses on and it wouldn’t take long to run down and check them out.

But right now, I had to set up the new label for Frank.... ‘A Piece Of Dog Turd With Frank’s Name On It.’ Should I draw the logo myself or take a picture of one from down on the street? Draw it I think. More creative freedom. A nice steamy fresh one. Dog Turd 001. Music From the Big Note. I was kinda looking forward to hearing it.

The phone rang again. I let the machine pick it up. There was silence at the other end. I could hear someone breathing, but they didn’t say anything. Then they hung up. Fuck you too I thought.

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The Desinex Burger

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 02:52

I thought I’d walk down and see my attorney. I figured it wouldn’t take long to do the paperwork for the label and then I could check out who was charging stuff to Chana’s credit card. Working for Frank was good, but she had a better ass. Things were definitely looking up. It sure beat scratching around trying to do artwork for people who were never satisfied and who never had any money to pay you. No wonder I was always broke. None of my customers had any money. It was always the same story... “We’ll pay you when you our royalty check comes in, honest Slev, right off the top. You’ll be the first one.” Waiting for that royalty check was like waiting for a cold day in hell, so I figured I had nothing to lose by dropping it altogether.

I walked into to his office, and his secretary was there typing away. Some poor bastard is going to lose his house I thought. He was a real pro and had never lost a case. He was pretty selective about what he handled, but he always made money. Mind you, I’ve never seen a poor attorney. I don’t think such an animal exists. Maybe I should study the bar and become one too. I imagined myself offering closing arguments before a jury...

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This man is a real bastard and should have his balls cut off for what he did.”

“Objection your honor. My learned colleague is not allowed to make those kind of remarks in open court.”

“Objection sustained. Mr. Uunofksi, must I remind you again about your, shall we say, ‘colorful’ language.”

I thought about how it might play out, but somehow, I don’t think it’d fly.

“Do you want Al?” she said, interrupting my clear vision.

“Yeah... is he in?” I asked her, making a gesture with my head towards his inner sanctum.

“No, he just went over to Hooties for a bite to eat. He should still be there if you want to go over.”

“Sure, why not. I’m a bit hungry myself. If I miss him though and he comes back, can you tell him I have some urgent business for him that needs to be taken care of right away, and to make sure he calls me before he goes home.”

I walked back down the stairs and over to Hooties. It was a place where you got tits with your burger and ass with your fries. (or was it the other way around?) Al was surrounded by a bevvy of tits and ass, and ass and tits.

“Al, how can you concentrate on your food with all these tits around?” I asked him.

“Hey Slev... Pull up a chair. Do you want a burger?”

“Yeah. I want a desinex burger with all the trimmings.” I said to the blonde tits and ass was hanging all over Al.

“I’m sorry sir, we don’t have a desinex burger.” the tits and ass said. “We only have what’s on the menu.”

“I want a desinex burger.” I said a little louder. “Bring me the desinex burger, and I want it right now.”

“Sir, we only have what’s on the menu” the brainless tits and ass repeated.

“Oh ok, just bring me a regular burger and french fries.”

“Hey man, you should be a comedian. You’re wasting your time with all this detective stuff. Why don’t you audition at the Comedy Factory.” Al said.

“You think I’m funny. What about your rates? I don’t know how anybody can afford you.”

“There you go again making fun of my rates. Look, I’ve got three ex-wives to support. How’d you think I could do that if I didn’t charge what I do?”

“Well, you shouldn’t knock my detective work. I got two good cases at the moment, one of which may well put some cash into your grubby little hands.”

“Shit. Shoot. What do you need?”

“I need to register a new business and set up a label. I figure it shouldn’t take you too long. Draw up the papers and register the fictitious name. I want it all legal and above board. How much and how long?

“What do you want it to be... Sole proprietor?... what?

“Yeah. The label’s called ‘A Lump Of Dog Turd With Frank’s Name On It.’ “

“Shit, You’re not going back to the music biz, are you?”

“It’s not for me, It’s for a client. They just want me to set it all up.”

“Who’s the client?” he asked, sitting back wiping the ketchup from his chin.

“Frank Z.” I told him.

“You asshole... he’s dead.”

“No he ain’t. I met him last night.”

“Slev, he’s been dead for over two years. Died of prostrate cancer if I remember right.”

“Well, that may be so, but I saw him last night, and he paid me ten grand to set this thing up, and I’m doing it. So will you do the paperwork for me or not?” I got out some bills and gave them to him.

“Here, take this for a deposit. Bill me for the rest. I want you to do it right away, got me?”

The tits and ass arrived with my burger.

“There you go sir... the chef made a special desinex burger just for you.”

It was still smoking....

index


Chewing the Cud at Louie Louie’s

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 02:52

It was night time. I liked the night. You could hide. I logged into the net and checked out the latest action. I had voice mail and e-mail but somehow I couldn’t be bothered with it all. I had a message from MB who was upset with one of my clitoris jokes from last week. Apparently she was ‘deeply offended,’ but I didn’t care too much. My mind was on Chana and her ass, and I wondered who’d be humping her tonight. Maybe she was a cud chewer. I looked at her card again and wondered if I should I call her? I could tell her I needed some more info, and see what she was doing later.

I dialled her number.

“Miss Lang’s residence, can I help you?” I guessed it was a maid or something.

“Is Mr. Lang there please?” I asked

“There is no Mr. Lang here. Do you mean Chana?”

So she wasn’t married. That was good.

“Yes Chana, that’s what I meant. Is she there please? Tell her It’s Slev Uunofski. She was at my office earlier today.”

“Can you hold a moment.” I could hear some talking, and then she was on the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey Chana... It’s Slev. Remember you came to see me this afternoon.”

“Oh yeah, hi. How’s it going? Have you got some news already?”

“Almost. I’m working on it as we speak. I was going over your credit card receipts, and wanted to talk to you about some of them. Are you doing anything right now? Could we meet?”

I was getting semi-hard listening to her voice.

“Well, I was waiting for a friend to come over in a few minutes, and we were going out, but you can come too if you want. Do you know Louie Louie’s on Melrose?”

“Yeah I know it. What time you gonna be there?”

“Oh, say around eleven. I’d like to see you again if you can make it.”

“No problem. I’ll be there. See you then.” Then it just slipped out... “do you chew cud?” I asked her.

“What do mean... chew cud?”

“I’ll tell you later. See you at eleven.”

I called my shackjob and told her I’d be late home from the office. I was busy working on a case and I’d be home as soon as I could I lied to her. I wasn’t really unfaithful, but I took what came my way. I guess I picked that up from my days in the music biz.

On the way out, I collected my mail from the box in the lobby. Bills, Bills, Bills. I tossed them all in the trash outside. They could wait. They had more money than me.

Louie Louie’s club had been around since the sixties. It had seen all the dance crazes come and go, and I think Z. even once played there in the seventies. It was still going strong and it was now home to all the hip-hop’rs. My dancing days were long over so I rarely went anymore, but if Chana was going to be there tonight, so was I. Chana and her ass. The two were inseparable.

I parked the car on a side street where I hoped it would be safe and walked over to the cross light. Then out of nowhere, a car was heading straight for me. Headlights blazing, throttle roaring. It was like watching a Fellini movie. It all seemed to be happening in super slow motion. Everything was crystal clear and I could see the woman behind the wheel. She had sunglasses on and a scarf wrapped around her neck. The car mounted the curb and was coming right at me. I dove to one side to get out of the way, but it changed direction after me. She wanted to hit me for sure. I leapt onto a fire hydrant and did a back flip landing several feet away. I turned around just in time to see the car hit the hydrant full force. Wham!

Several people started to gather around at the commotion. One black dude came over and helped pull me to my feet. “Thanks” I said to him.

“Hey man. That was some fancy back flip. How’d you do that?”

“Years of training my man.” I casually remarked. “Just remember the name, Slev Uunofski.”

The car was a black beamer, but it didn’t have any license plates. I recognized the woman though. No mistaking it. I saw her looking at me through the tinted glass. Our eyes made contact, and she knew I knew who she was. Then she backed the thing up and raced off down Melrose.

My coat was ripped, but otherwise I was ok. I went into the club and had no problem finding Chana (and her ass). All the guys were hanging around her like dogs around a bitch in heat. I went to the bar and ordered a scotch and sat there. I wasn’t going to compete, and it was interesting watching the male species in action. One day we would all become extinct. That day couldn’t come soon enough for me.

Then next to me a woman appeared from nowhere, and I mean that. She just appeared. Her clothes were right out of the sixties, and she looked pretty familiar, but I couldn’t place her face.

“Are you going to a fancy dress party later?” I asked.

She just laughed at me and ordered four double vodkas from the barman. When they came, she chugged them all down in quick succession and ordered four more. She chugged those down as well and I could see this woman knew how to drink.

“Charge them to this...” she said as she handed him a credit card.

I couldn’t help noticing it was Chana’s card, so I asked if she was her friend, but she just laughed at me again.

“You have a way of making men feel insecure, do you know that?”

“Hey babe! I’m a Rock’n’Roll animal. Indulge me a little. This don’t seem like your kind of place either. What are you doing here? You checking out the young pussy before you go home to your little wifey-wifey?”

“If I told you... No forget it. Just tell me why your using Chana’s credit card?”

“Oooh, what are we tonight, Mr. Policeman or something? Lighten up a bit Slev. How’z the label thing coming along for Frank anyway? The band are sounding really hot. Music from the Big Note is gonna be good Slev, you just wait and see. Look, I gotta run. Frank hates it when we’re late for rehearsal. And don’t worry about Chana. She don’t chew no cud. She likes a good lollipop up her cute little ass. Bushwop style!“

And then she vanished.

index


Where the Sharke Bubble Blow

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 04:37

I decided to leave Chana with her posse of primates and head for home. I needed to think about these new developments. Odd things seemed to be happening all at once and I was in the center of them. I got in the car and headed north toward the freeway. The moment the speedo hit seventy, I fancied hearing some Stravinsky, so I pushed in the CD. Now don’t ask me why, but it always feels strange listening to a dramatic opera while You’re hurtling down the freeway in the dark of night. There’s nothing quite like it. I felt completely recharged by the time I arrived home.

My girlfriend was still up watching some late night movie.

“Hi babe, what you watching.”

“Oh, nothing really. Some stupid movie. How was your day?”

“In a word... weird. I gotta take a bath. Do you fancy rolling a little joint and bringing it in?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Now I don’t like my bathwater too hot. I was burned by hot water as a kid, so I prefer it just a few tads over tepid. I turned on the radio and got in for a soak. There was some stupid guy on there telling us exactly when the next big one was going to hit, and how we should all prepare now. What rubbish. My girlfriend came in with the joint already lit and handed it to me, so I let out a few shark bubbles to show my appreciation. I took a couple of hits and sat back thinking about Frank and Chana... and Chana’s ass. The case needed some working through in my mind, and this was the best place to do it. I felt something stirring under the water. Damn that ass. Somehow these things were connected. Frank, Chana, her credit card, her ass, the woman at the club tonight. Plus there was Frank’s wife who definitely would like to see me off the case, and the Big Note album.

I was thinking about all this and what it might mean when Annie came in again and told me that a package arrived today, and she’d opened it in case it was urgent.

“What was it?”

“Just a tape and a note. It said ‘Give this to Slev when he gets home.’ There wasn’t any name on it or anything, so I don’t know who sent it.”

“Did you play it?”

“No, I thought I’d wait until you get home.”

“Stick it on. I can’t stand this guy anyway. Turn him off and put the cassette on. Crank it up a bit as well can ya’ so I can hear in here.”

“Yeah, ok. How was the joint?”

“Good. Here take it, I’m ok for a minute anyway.”

A few moments later, I could hear the sound of a pretty heavy band. Wow... That sounds awesome. It sounded like a Z. piece, and the female voice was unmistakable. It was definitely Janis Joplin. She was screachin’. And those guitar licks... it could only be Jimi H. There was some great piano on it too, but I couldn’t tell who it was. Then it was over. that’s who was at the club tonight. It was Janis. I knew I recognized her.

“Annie.” I called out. “Is that all there is?”

“Yes. It looks like It’s just one track.”

For some reason I began to think that it might be a sample of the Big Note album from Frank. If it was, the world was in for a treat.

I got out and toweled down. It was late, (or early), and time for bed. I still couldn’t get Chana’s ass out of my mind and needed some relief. I got into bed with Annie, and it wasn’t long before my lollipop began to rise again. Chana’s ass would have to wait. I’ll settle for this one right now. I reached for the KY from under the pillow, lubed up, and proceeded to to slip it into her roundeye while she was reading. It didn’t take long before she put the book down and started to sigh. Oh boy, that felt good. I’d sleep well tonight. I just hope Tim Robbins doesn’t come back.

index


Suzy Creams & Cheeses

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 06:21

I slept good, but awoke too early. The case was playing tricks with my mind. It was telling me to get up and work on the loose ends. I tried to get back to sleep but couldn’t, so I dressed and drove into town.

I pulled into the parking lot out back and walked up the stairs to my office. The clock on the wall said noon, and I could see several messages on the machine, but they’d have to wait a minute. I called Al to ask if he’d started on the paperwork for the label yet. He said everything was taken care of, and I’d have the company seal by friday. He also asked me to stop by his office because one of his clients’ was in need of some ‘detective work.’

Ha! Another client I thought, so I walked down to his office and went in. He was sitting there giving Ethel some dictation.

“Slev, come on in” he said looking up at me. “We’ll finish this later Ethel.”

We went into his inner sanctum and sat down on some expensive leather couches.

“What do you need done?” I asked.

He gave me a business card. I looked at it.

“This is one of my clients. I helped her out with her divorce last year. She has a small business selling creams and cheeses to offices for business luncheons and stuff. Now she is being harassed by some crank. Weird perverted stuff. I thought of you right away.”

“Why doesn’t she just go to the Police?”

“that’s what I said, but she just doesn’t want to. She asked if I knew anyone who could look into it discreetly and find out who it was first. Then when she has some proof about who it is, she would. What do you think? Why don’t you give her a call and set something up. You’ll like her, She’s cute.”

“I suppose I could. Now what’s the scoop on the label I asked you to set up. It’s all going to be ready by Friday, right?”

“Yeah. I’ve filed all the papers. You just gotta sign here..., and here.”

He handed me a contract with a couple of post-It’s attached showing me where to stick my John Hancock. I signed it and gave it back to him.

“Ok, your new label will officially be set up by Friday. I also registered you with ASCAP.”

“that’s great. Frank should be giving me the master tape next week, and We’ll see what happens.”

“Slev, cut this Frank shit, who is it really?”

“I told you! It’s Frank. I know it sounds weird, but It’s true. I even met Janis Joplin last night at Louie Louie’s, and She’s singing again, for Frank in the band.”

“Slev. I’m sorry man. I know we’ve known each a long time, but I think You’re pulling my leg.”

“Al, You’ll just have to wait and see. You may be surprised. Look, I gotta go. There’s a ton of messages on my machine, and some strange things are happening. I’ll call this Suzy later today if that’s ok. You told her what I charge right?”

“I just told her that you charge less than me, so you can screw her for what you want. She’s not rich, but she does have a few bucks as a result the divorce settlement I got for her.”

“You mean you didn’t make her a million?” I joked

“There you go again.”

“Sorry, I can’t help myself sometimes. Call me if you have any problems, ok? I’ll see you later. I suppose You’ll be doing the Hooties thing again today.”

“Sure, why not enjoy your lunch, that’s my motto.”

“Ok Al. Have a good time. I’ll see you later.”

I walked back down the hallway to my office and sat down to check my messages.

“...Hey Slev. It’s Tom man. I got some stuff here for you if you want it. It’s the killer weed dude. Give me a call.” beep, beep, beep, “...Hello. Is this machine working? I didn’t hear a message. We need some artwork done for an album project we’re doing, and you were recommended. I’ll try you again later.” beep, beep, beep, “...Slev. This is Gail. I’m really sorry about last night. I guess I can’t have been thinking too clearly. My car’s totally wrecked. I’d really like to meet you and make you an offer and talk about this. It would be worth your while. I’m not a bad person underneath, honest. Please call me.” beep, beep, beep, “...Mr. Uunofski. This is Brenda from Brian’s Appliances. we’ve had no reply to our letters, and you owe us thirty five dollars for the service call we made to your office three months ago. You have to pay this. Please call us back.” beep, beep, beep, “...Slev.... Hello.... It’s Chana. I looked for you last night, but I guess you didn’t make it. Please give me a call. I can’t even use my credit card now because It’s over the limit. Someone has run up five thousand dollars on it in two days. The Bank just called and me told me I can’t use it anymore, and I don’t know what to do.” beep, beep, beep, “You’re doing a good job kid, keep it up.”

I didn’t recognize the last voice at all and wondered who the fuck it was. I figured I should call Chana and fill her in on what I found out last night. Somehow though, I don’t think she’d believe me if I told her Janis Joplin was running around all over town charging stuff to her credit card. I mean, Janis has been dead for what... twenty years. But what other explanation was there?

I called her and arranged for a meet at six o’clock in Musso’s. I called Tom, and asked him to meet me there too. Kill two birds with one stone. Then I could drop him off on the way back to Chana’s afterwards. Brian’s appliances could go fuck themselves. They did a shitty job anyway. But what should I do about Gail? It might be a trap. I could end up in one her planters myself, and no-one would even know. She could wait until things were a bit clearer. I decided to call this Suzy woman. I dialled her number...

“Hello... Suzie’s Cream and Cheeses” someone answered.

“Yes, hello... is Suzy there please?”

“This is Suzy. Can I help you?”

“Al Malkin asked me to call you. He said you needed a private dick. Someone’s been bothering you or something.”

“Yes, that’s right. But I can’t talk now. Can I call you back?”

“Sure. Did he give you my number?”

“No, give it to me.”

I gave her my number, and she said she’d call me tonight. That was fine with me. I had things to sort out. I looked at the credit card receipts from Chana. There was one from the Guitar Store in Hollywood. I decided I’d run down there to play a hunch. Sometimes that’s all you had to go on in this game. And sometimes it came up. I figured if the bank had cut off Chana’s credit, whoever was behind it would need to get another line going quick. You can’t get by in the music biz without credit and I guess being dead don’t change that.

index


The Jar is Under the Bed

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 09:58

I hung around the guitar store for a couple of hours, but couldn’t see anything panning out. It was nearly six and I had to drive over to Musso’s to meet Chana. I figured she’d be a little late anyway, so I didn’t rush. My usual table was free and I sat down and ordered a scotch with a beer chaser. I didn’t have to wait long before she came in. She looked hot in a tight pink outfit that really showed off her ass. It was becoming an obsession. She saw me looking at it and just just smiled.

“I can’t help it,” I said. “I’ve always been an ass man, and yours is hot. Do you want a drink?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll have a double vodka with a touch of lime.”

I ordered from the waitress and made small talk.

“So, where are you from?” I asked her. It felt stupid because all I wanted to say was ‘How’d you fancy grinding a little pork chop with me,’ but I held it back.

“Back east.” She said as she raised the glass to her lips and sipped some down.

“So... what have you found out? Anything? Or did you just get me down here to look at my ass?”

She had a good sense of humour. I liked that.

“No, I’ve been working on it, honest. Business comes first, ass comes second. Though in your case, it could be considered a dead heat. I was actually at Louie’s last night, but you had too many guys hanging around you for me, so I just sat at the bar watching.”

“Why didn’t you come over?”

“I was thinking about it, but someone tried to run me over on the way in last night, and while I was at the bar watching you, I actually got a lead on who was using your credit card. It’s weird, but in a way, It’s connected to another case I’m working on.”

“I heard about an accident outside. Apparently some car hit a fire hydrant or something. Was that you?”

“Almost. I managed to get out of the way in time, but I nearly didn’t make it. Look... this whole thing is very strange, and if I told you, you ain’t gonna believe me.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m pretty gullible. Tell me what’s what.”

“What. You mean just lay it out like it is? No holds barred... right?”

“Yeah... Tell me.”

“Well, alright, but I need another drink first.”

Just then Tom came in. He walked over and sat down. I introduced everybody.

“Tom, this is Chana. Chana, this is Tom.” I was going to introduce her ass as well, but thought better of it. Another drink though and I would have for sure.

“Did you bring it?” I asked him.

“Yeah. It’s seventy five bucks though, and I gotta have the cash.”

I gave him eighty and said keep the change for bringing it down.

Tom didn’t know anything about my cases. He was a great artist, but his head was usually somewhere else. For this reason I never bothered to tell him much. If I did, it only gave me grief, so I usually kept it simple when he was around. He is the only white person I know who thinks OJ was actually innocent and framed by the LAPD. We could never agree on much at all.

I bought him a drink, and he and Chana talked while I thought, but it was time to make a move. I suggested to Chana that we drop Tom off and go back to her place to conclude our discussion.

The idea was met with a wide smile, which led to a stirring under the table. We dropped him off at his apartment complex in Hollywood, and Chana gave me directions to her place in Bel Air.

“Nice neighborhood.” I remarked as I pulled into her driveway.

The place was dark, and I asked her about her maid.

“Oh, She’s gone now. we’re all alone. that’s what you wanted, right?”

“Chana. Did anyone tell you that you can read minds?”

She poured a couple of drinks.

“Ok Slev... tell me what you think is that I won’t believe.”

I took a good pull on my drink.

“Well, alright... But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Will you spit it out or do I have to beat it out?”

“Ok.”

I took another long pull.

“While I was sitting at the bar last night watching you, Janis Joplin appeared from out of nowhere and ordered eight double vodkas and charged them to YOUR credit card. She even knew who I was. She called me a pussy watcher. She said she was rehearsing with Frank Z., which is another story. Now don’t ask me why, but somehow it happened. It explains the stuff from the music stores you didn’t buy, and it fits in with another case I’m working on, but it doesn’t make any sense. I wish it did. I can only tell you what I know.”

She sat there holding her glass, looking at me in disbelief.

“See, I told you you wouldn’t believe me.”

“It’s not that.”

“What then” I said, hardly believing it myself.

She went over to the coffee table and picked up a pile of letters.

“Look at these.”

They were all letters addressed to Janis Joplin c/o Chana Lang. I opened a couple up, and they were from fans wishing her well with her new album.

“I got these the other day, but I thought it was some kind of joke.”

“I don’t know Chana, something very strange is going on. You know Frank Z., right?”

“Yeah sure, who doesn’t.”

“Well, I’m setting up a new label for him so he can release ‘Music from the Big Note.’ I know he’s dead, but somehow he’s not. he’s come back, and he’s rehearsing a new band. Janis is the female vocalist and she’s using your credit card to get what she needs. Plus, I got Frank’s wife trying to kill me because she wants the Big Note album for herself. She’s the one who tried to run me over outside the club last night and who crashed into the fire hydrant.”

“I think I need another drink. Do you want one?” she asked.

“Sure. Pour it tall. Do you mind if I roll a joint?”

“No, go ahead. There’s papers in the drawer.”

She came back with the drinks and sat down.

“Shall I put some music on?”

“Yeah, whatever you fancy.”

I took a couple of long slow hits from the joint and passed it to her while she was choosing what to play. She smoked it sensually, leaning back. I wanted to do it right there on the floor. She gave me the joint and pulled me towards her. Then her tongue was in my mouth. It tasted sweet. We french kissed for a couple of minutes, and I think both of us were getting hot. She led me up the stairs to her bedroom, and began to undress in front of me. What a body!

She had one hand around my balls, and the other on my tool, and was stroking it.

“Chana... while I was at the bar last night, Janis told me some things about you.”

“What’d she say?” she said as she went down.

“She said that you liked a good stiff lollipop up your ass. Is that true?”

“Well, why don’t you find out. There’s a jar under the bed. Reach under and get it.”

So I stuck my hand under the bed and found the jar. In it were some condoms and a tube of KY jelly... my favorite. I looked at the clock on the wall. The night was still young and Chana’s ass was mine - at least until morning.

Being a detective did have some up-sides...

index


I Am the Zombie Woof

Date : Fri Jan 26 1996, 12:13

I awoke about three in the morning and figured it would be a good time to split. I picked up the Joplin fan mail on my out figuring it was connected and might hold some clue.

I started the car and began to back out of the driveway. As I turned on the headlights, I could see someone walking toward me from the bushes. It was Frank. I opened the passenger door for him and he got in.

“Just the person I wanted to see” I said to him. “Do you know your wife almost fucking killed me the other night outside Louie Louie’s?”

“I warned you she was dangerous. I didn’t realize she knew so much about the Big Note album. I was trying to keep it secret.”

“Well, you didn’t do a very good job. I should charge you extra for danger money. I don’t like people trying to kill me Frank. All you asked me to do was set up the label, and I’ve done that. You never said anything about putting my life on the line for the cause of music.”

“Slev, don’t worry. You’ll make plenty of money off this thing. It’s not as if I’m going to see any cash out of it. I just want the fans to hear it.”

“I was wondering that. What about the distribution? You know no-one is going to touch an independent release.”

“You worry too much. I’ll take care of the sales. Just stop worrying will ya.”

“Well, if you say so. what’s the next step though? Offer me up as some sort of ritual sacrifice?”

“You’re a funny guy, you know that.”

“People have said that to me.”

“I thought it might be the right time for you to come and see the band work out. You got time?”

“What, right now? It’s three a.m.”

“No time like the present, except in my case there is no time at all. So how was Chana’s ass? Pretty tight huh. She’s a cute one alright. You lucked out there.”

“Frank, I’ve got a few questions that need to be answered.”

“I can’t tell you everything, but what do you want to know?”

“Why Chana’s credit card? Why her?”

“Can’t tell you that yet. What else?”

“What are you going to do now her card has been cancelled?”

“Can’t tell you that yet either. What else?”

“The tape I got at home the other night. That was the band - right?”

“Yeah. That was the first track. It’s called ‘Red Meat Beat.’ Pretty good don’t you think.”

“Well, of course it was good Frank, but even if it wasn’t, I’d have to say it was. All you musicians are too sensitive.”

“That ain’t no lie. What else anyway?”

“Who was that playing piano?”

“The was the great Nicolas Slonimsky. He’s the best piano player in any universe. It was shame he died, but it does make him eligible for the band. I was using George Gershwin on the keys, but when Nic became available, he learned the stuff in no time, and he’s in the band. I made him the Klonemeister.”

“And that was Jimi Hendrix, right?”

“Yeah, Jimi’s on stunt guitar. Now he’s off the drugs, he’s even better than he was before.”

“What about the rest of the line up? Who’s in it?

“Well, It’s a thirty piece rock orchestra. Miles is in it of course on jazz guitar, and I got John Bonham from the old Led Zeppelin days. There’s a bunch. You’ll see.”

“Well, where are you rehearsing? Where are we going?”

“It’s right around the corner from Tom Waits restaurant. We’re using the roof. No-one ever goes up there.”

“And can you go anywhere you want?”

“Yeah... But only for a limited time. that’s why we need to finish this thing up quickly before we go out on tour. Once we leave, we can’t ever come back.”

So I pulled up outside the restaurant, and we walked up the back stairs to the roof.

“There’s no-one here I said.”

“Wait a minute.” Frank said. “You need a special kind of pass to get in. You gotta stand still for thirty seconds without moving. Hold your breath, and say... ‘I Am The Zombie Woof.’ Try it.”

So I did what he said, and all of a sudden, a stage began to appear in front of me. There were speaker stacks and a mixing console, lights, engineers, everything.

“Jeezuz, you got it all here. It’s incredible.”

“Yeah, pretty neat huh?”

I saw Janis on stage singing. She saw me and gestured by grabbing her crotch. Nic was waving his conductor stick around going... “No. No. No. Janis, concentrate on the singing... the singing.”

“They’re not going to self-destruct like the last band, are they?” I asked.

“Gee, I hope not. But at least I won’t lose any money this time if they do.”

“Seriously Frank. This is pretty neat. Can I bring my girlfriend up sometime?”

“Yeah, as long as you both use the secret pass. Now if you want to hang around for a while, you can. Just remember, time doesn’t move here, so when you leave, it’ll be exactly the same time as when you came in, but your body won’t know that. If You’re here too long, and you leave, you might suddenly fall asleep.”

“How do I leave? Is there a secret pass to get out as well?”

“You just stamp your feet together three times. It’s easy.”

“Hey, is that Miles?”

“Yeah. he’s still a bit touchy about having to give up money, but he’s coming around. Look, I gotta run through some stuff with these guys. Hang around as long as you want.”

So Frank walked over to the stage and picked up his guitar while I took a seat. It was amazing to see that these guys all looked exactly the same as when they were alive. I mean they hadn’t aged a day.

And the music was incredible. Like nothing I’d heard from Frank before. The notes seemed to have an aura all of their own as they came out of the speakers. It was haunting, but powerful.

I watched fascinated by it all for what seemed like hours, but it was time to check back into the real world. I said to Frank I’d see him later and clicked my heels three times. I felt stupid doing it, but just as it all appeared, it began to fade and I was alone on an empty roof.

I was feeling hungry. My stomach was rumbling and I couldn’t remember the last time I ate, so I drove to the all-night Norm’s on Normandie and had breakfast. There was a photo on the front page of the LA Times of the smashed fire hydrant outside Louie’s and a little write up about a mystery driver. It was still only 5 a.m.

index


I’m So Lonely

Date : Fri Jan 26, 18:50

I drove home and put my key in the door. I was as quiet as possible because I didn’t want to wake up Annie. I knew she’d be pissed because I didn’t call her, and women always have a way of smelling if you’ve been within five yards of another one. I undressed and crept into bed, but she woke up anyway.

“What fucking time do you call this?”

“Babe. I’m sorry. I’ve had a hell of a day. Can we talk about it tomorrow?”

“I cooked dinner for you, and it was all wasted.”

“don’t worry about the dinner. It’s not important.”

“Well, you could have at least called and let me know.”

“You’re right. I could have and I should have, but I didn’t. I was having such a great time with this bunch of loose women I picked up in Hollywood that it clean slipped my mind. There. Is that what you want to hear?”

“You can be a real bastard, you know that.”

“Ok, if you must know, I was with Frank Z. watching his new band in LA. You know he wants me to release that new album of his, and you know how he’s dead, right? Well, he turned up by my car tonight and he took me to see the new band. And that tape you opened was from him, and that song is called Red Meat Beat. And he said if I wanted to bring you over when I go tonight, it would be ok. But if You’re going to be such a pain the ass, I’ll go by myself. There, are you happy now? Jeezuz. If It’s not bad enough I got one woman trying to kill me, I got you moaning at me because I worked late. I really don’t need this at six in the morning.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I was just lonely, that’s all.”

“Well, I missed you too, but I gotta work - right? Now do you want to sleep, argue or make a cup of yogi tea?”

“Ok, I’ll make some tea. So did you really see Frank?”

“Honest to God. He took me to rehearsal, and I saw the band, everything. If you want, I’ll take you tonight. He gave me a special pass to get in.”

“What time?”

“Anytime we want. I don’t have much on today. Just a few phone calls and some odds and ends to sort out. Shall we say six?”

We drank the tea and went back to bed. I slept for a couple of hours and then headed into the office. There was only one call on the machine, and it was from Suzy. I called her again and said I’d go over and see her at her office downtown.

It was small office. More of a kitchen really. A couple of people preparing buffet trays, and Suzy checking to make sure all the creams and cheeses were visually stimulating for her clients. We went into her back office and she closed the door.

“what’s the scoop?” I asked her. “Al said that you’ve been getting some crank calls or something.”

“Basically, but they are really perverted. They sing little songs.”

“What do you mean they? Is there more than one person?”

“I don’t know. I hang up, but they always call right back. Then they sing again and hang up on me. Then everything’s quiet for a couple of days, and it starts again. It’s very odd.”

“When was the last time it happened?”

“Yesterday. They were singing a song about a penis. ‘Penis Dimensia’ or something. Then last week it was ‘I am Banana Dick.’ Or at least that’s what it sounded like. I really don’t need this you know. I thought it was my ex-husband, but he says that it isn’t him.”

“When did it start?”

“Six weeks ago. That was the first call. They started out saying they had a chicken and they were measuring their dicks with it. Then the next week it was something else, I can’t remember what it was. And It’s just been going on. Twice a week now for six weeks. I never know if It’s a customer or this crank caller. Can you do anything?”

“I’m not sure that I can really. I can’t be around here all the time waiting for them to call, and unless you can get a trace, we don’t have much to go on.”

“Well, there is one thing. One time the operator called me and asked if I would accept a collect charge call from my nephew. I said yes of course, but then they started singing. I hung up right away, but I have this phone number on my latest bill. Maybe you can check out where it is.”

“Yes, let me have it. I can do that no problem. You can always register a complaint with the police you know.”

“I don’t want to do that. Not yet anyway. Please see what you can find out.”

“I’ll need a deposit to get started if you want me on it right away, say five hundred.”

She wrote me a check, and I was out of there. shouldn’t be too difficult to trace where the phone is. I got back to my office and immediately called the number. There was no reply. Ok, so it might take a bit longer. It wasn’t any big deal. Suzy didn’t seem too freaked out by it. I’d check later.

I rolled myself a nice fat one and checked my e-mail. There was a message from an address I didn’t recognize. Probably spam mail. You can usually tell by the suffix. I opened it up anyway. ‘Kid, You’re doing a great job. Keep it up. Buk.’

Great, people were now sending spam Buk’ messages. I replied in my usual manner... ‘I know, but thanks anyway.’ it’d probably come right back to me.

There was a message from my shrink. I preferred to be analyzed from long distance. It was less painful that way.

MB had calmed down now, and was no longer deeply offended. That was good to know. At least she wouldn’t be coming after me. One less female to worry about.

I had some mail from an old school friend who seemed to think e-mail was a way of venting hostility for his lost youth. I couldn’t help him. I could hardly help myself.

I opened the drawer and poured a scotch and wondered what position lisa might be in today. Nah, who cared? I shut the thing down.

The phone rang and I picked it up. It was a mistake.

“Slev... This is Gail. You never called me back yesterday.”

“So.”

“We need to talk.”

“What about?”

“don’t play dumb. You know what about.”

“Ok, when’s good for you?”

“This afternoon... as soon as possible.”

“Alright. We can meet at my attorney’s office. I’ll see what time he’s free and he can call you and set it up. That way, I’ll have a witness, and you can’t try of of your funny stuff.”

“No, that’s no good. Just you and me, alone.”

“Well forget it then.” And I hung up.

The phone rang again, but I let the machine handle it. There was silence at the other end, but I could hear Gail breathing... waiting for me to pick it up, but I didn’t. Then she hung up. Oh well, if she don’t leave a message, I got no reason to call her back.

I called Chana to ask if she fancied having lunch, but she wasn’t there. Bummer. I left a message anyway and hoped she’s call back.

Not much seemed to be happening. I drew the logo for the label and prepared all the artwork I could, and I started on the cover. He never said anything about the cover art, so I guessed it was all up to me. I couldn’t do much more until I had the song listing and credits. Well, I knew one song, but that wasn’t enough. I’d take it with me tonight to show him. I’d like some input from the man after all.

index


The Band Played On

Date : Sat Jan 27 1996, 10:01

There was a knock on the door.

“Special delivery.” I heard someone call out.

I opened it and there was a young kid there with a box of champagne.

“I didn’t order this. Who’s it from?”

“I don’t know sir, I’m just the delivery boy.”

“Well, someone must have sent it.”

I took it from him anyway, and closed the door. There was a card. ‘Slev. Let’s make up. Here’s a token. Enjoy it. Best Wishes. Gail.’

Well, I still ain’t gonna call her, I thought to myself, but I might drink the champers.

I wanted to see Al to see how things were coming along, and let him know that I spoke to Suzy, so I took a bottle down with me. He wasn’t in - as usual, so I gave the bottle to Ethel. “Have a good time on me” I told her.

I decided to get my bike out the hall closet and go for a ride. My head needed clearing and this was a good way. It was hairy riding through the traffic, but I generally stuck to the alleys where it was quieter. The alleys were where you saw the other side of life. The bums... the trash. It was like sweeping stuff under the rug, except you swept it into the alleys. No-one cared about the alleys. As long as the front looked clean, it didn’t matter if all the trash in the world was piled up out back. It didn’t matter a bit.

I got back to the office and saw an ambulance outside our building. I went upstairs and saw them carrying Ethel out on a stretcher. Jeezuz, don’t say the champagne was poisoned. I should have guessed. I ran down the hall and asked what was going on. Al was standing there looking pale.

“what’s the matter with Ethel. Was it the champagne?” I asked him.

“What champagne? She tripped over the phone cord and smashed her head on the desk. I think she’ll be ok, but I’m probably going to get my ass sued for an industrial injury. This could cost me thousands.”

“Is that all? I thought the champagne was poisoned.”

“What champagne? Did you get her drunk or something? If she was drunk, I’m not liable.”

Al went inside looking for the champagne bottle and came out with it unopened.

“Shit.” he said “I thought I was off the hook then.”

“No-one ever gets off the hook Al, you should know that. Anyway... listen, what are you doing later tonight?”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m going to see Frank tonight, and I thought, as my official attorney, you might like to come and be my guest.”

“Slev. Will you cut out this fucking Frank shit. It was funny the first time, and almost funny the second, but It’s past the point now, you know?”

“Al, on my mother’s life. I wouldn’t lie. Just come and check it out. If he ain’t there, I’ll buy you lunch at Hooties for a month. But if he is there, you can’t charge me for the label stuff, ok?”

“Slev, if you want to buy my lunch for a month, I won’t stop you. What time do you want to look stupid?”

“I’ll pick you up here at six-thirty, ok?”

“Sure, why not. See you then.”

“Al.” I called back to him.

“What?”

“Bring your cassette recorder. You know, the little one. ok.”

“If you say so.”

“Alright, I’ll pick you at at six thirty. I’m bringing Annie too.”

“Ok, see you then.”

I cruised home and took a shower to get ready for evening’s entertainment. Annie looked cool. I couldn’t do without her really, but sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. (Just as long as the woman doesn’t find out about it).

We stopped back at the office to pick Al up, and I grabbed the artwork from my desk. “So are you ready to eat humble pie?” I sarcastically asked him as we got in the car. I was just about to pull away when a woman leapt out from behind the garbage bin with a gun aimed right at my head.

“Shit. It’s Gail.”

“Gail who?” asked Al.

“Gail Z. I told you she was a little nutty.”

She opened the back door and sat next to Annie with the gun behind my head.

“Ok, drive.”

“Where to?” I asked.

“You know where. The rehearsal.”

Al asked if he could get out, but she just told him to hold his pecker and sit still. I drove to the restaurant and we all got out. Gail was still pointing the gun at me.

“Gail... look, if you want the Big Note album, you can have it. It don’t mean that much to me, honest.”

She didn’t seem prepared to deal. She just ushered us all to the stairs, waving the gun around like a crazy woman.

“Ok, up you go. All of you.”

So we got to the roof. Al had some wetness at the front of his pants. I felt sorry for him.

“I’m sorry” I said to him. “If I had known this was going to happen, I wouldn’t have brought you.”

“I may sue you for this Uunofski. If I get out alive.”

“Very funny Al.”

“Cut the talking.” Gail interrupted. “Now how do you get in?”

“Jeezuz Gail. Come on. Put the gun down.”

I heard a bullet whistle past my head.

“I ain’t bluffing. I’ll ask you one more time. How do you get in?”

“Ok. Do what I say. Stand still. Very still. You gotta stand still for thirty seconds, and hold your breath. Then say... ‘I Am the Zombie Woof.’ Then You’re in.”

“Ok, you do it first. Let me see if it works.”

“Annie... Al... do exactly what I just said. We’ll let Frank sort this out. Ready...”

“No.” Gail said. “Just you. They stay here. You go and get Frank.”

“Ok. if you insist.”

So I did the Zombie woof thing and faded into the picture. The band were all still there rehearsing. Jimi was wailin’. Janis was screachin’. Everyone was doing something. Frank was sitting on a couch listening. I went over and told him what was happening outside on the roof, back in the real world.

“Shit.” he said “I knew this might happen. I’ll go and sort it out right now.”

“You better.” I said. “I don’t want anybody to get shot. I just wanted to have a good time.... Grow old gracefully and all that, you know.”

Frank clicked his heels three times and began to fade. It was his wife after all. A few moments later I saw Annie and Al begin to appear. They came over.

“Where’s Gail and Frank?” I asked

“I dunno.” Al said. “One minute we were on the roof, then Frank appeared, then we ended up here. what’s going on?”

“Al, I’ve told you ten times already, but you never believe me. Look around you. This is Frank’s band. Did you bring your walkman?”

“Yeah, It’s here in my pocket.”

“don’t get it out. Just keep it there. I might ask you to record something a little later. Just don’t flash it around or let anyone see it. Frank’s touchy about bootleggers. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, while we’re here, time isn’t moving outside in the real world. It’ll still be six-thirty whenever we decide to leave.”

“Well, I’d like to leave now if you don’t mind.”

“You can’t leave yet. We just got here. Check it out.”

I took Annie over nearer the stage and showed her Janis Joplin. Annie wasn’t even born when she died, so that was pretty neat. She did her crotch grabbing thing again and winked at me.

“Slev.”

“What Al?”

“Who’s the guitar player in the middle row at the back?”

“I dunno. Some dead musician. I’ll see if I can find out and let you know.”

“This is amazing. This is freakin’ incredible.”

“Al, You’re drooling.”

And the band played on...

index


One Big Fat Daddy

Date : Sat Jan 27 1996, 20:23

So the band played on, and we watched on. We met a few of the guys between the songs and I swear Al was trying to make some deals on the side. What would become of them though, I had no idea. Frank returned a little later and apologized for our near-death experience, but somehow that didn’t quite cut it.

He said that Gail wouldn’t be bothering us for a while and he’d changed the secret pass word so she couldn’t get in. It was now ‘Sharleena.’

“Look Frank... Maybe now isn’t the best time to talk about this, but I brought the artwork to show you, and I can’t help wondering if you still want me to do it? You know I’ll be happy to drop out if you want. I mean, Gail seems to want it pretty badly.”

“No, everything’s cool. And whatever you want to do with the album art is ok with me. Just keep it simple. I’d like it plain black with just the title, but It’s up to you. The logo is fine. Pretty funny actually. And we’ve almost finished the recording. Just a couple more takes and final bit of tweezing and It’s done.”

“Whatever you say Frank. When are you going to have the song listing and the credits though? I’d like those as soon as possible.”

“I’ll give you all that when the tapes done... don’t sweat it. Relax a little. Annie’s pretty cute. Do you think she’d like to ‘service’ a few of the boys in the crew while she’s here. I know they’d go for it.”

“Nah, I don’t think she’s into that.”

I looked over at her though and was a surprised to see that she did seem to be having an exceptionally good time with some of the black guys from the band in the corner. She had a big smile on her face and was pretty wide eyed, and she had a look about her that seemed to say she was ready for it. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I’d have to watch her ass, that was for sure. I knew she dug the dark skin, but hell, so did I when it came down to it.

I walked over and talked with Janis. She asked me how Chana’s ass was. Then she said she had something for me. It was a business card. I looked at it, and it was one of those sex cards that you find all over town, plastered to your windscreen every friday in the parking lots. I hadn’t seen this one before though... and I had a fair collection of them. I saved those things like some people save baseball cards. It had a cute drawing of a hot ass, and a phone number. 1-800-FOR-ANAL. It was a new one for me so I stuck the card in my pocket. Maybe I’d check it out later. It was still only six-thirty after all.

Somehow though I felt it was time to leave. I had no idea of how long we’d been there, but I’d had enough and wanted to split. I had too many things on my mind right now and I was supposed to be a detective on a case. I felt that if I hung around here too long I’d get sucked into it all and lose touch with reality. I couldn’t allow that to happen.

It was pretty good listening to all these ‘dead guys’ play though, and they were better now than ever before. I guessed it might due to the lack of drugs available to them, although a couple of them did seem high. I wondered what life would be like without drugs. No, I’d rather not think about it.

We said our goodbyes to everyone and I got the impression that neither Al or Annie wanted to leave just yet, but I insisted. It was definitely time to make a move.

I showed them the exit routine, and pretty soon we were all back on the empty roof above Tom Waits, and it WAS still six-thirty.

“Jeez Slev. That was terrific. I take it all back. You win. I’ll never doubt you again man. Honest.”

“I’m just disappointed that you ever doubted me at all Al. But it is kinda satisfying to hear you admit that You’re wrong for once. Maybe we should get Ethel to type it out so I can hang it up on my wall... when she gets out of the hospital of course.”

“Yeah, poor Ethel. I hope she’s ok.”

We got down to the car but immediately saw a problem. All four tires had been slashed, and a brick had been put through the screen. It didn’t take a detective to figure out who did it. Even Al could work that one out.

“What a bitch” he said.

“It’s no big deal Al. Look, call AAA and get a tow truck here. There’s something I need to do.”

“What? Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna get Annie a cab home, and take care of some business. I’ll see you later. You owe me... remember?”

“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow in the office.”

It was strange the way I got my hunches, but sometimes they just came to me. Like flashes of inspiration. If I didn’t act on them right away, I either forgot them or it was too late to act on them by the time I remembered. I ordered a cab for Annie, and told her I’ll be home as soon as possible.

The cab company was Fat Daddy’s, and when it arrived, and I saw the driver, I couldn’t help myself. I said to him that he sure was one big fat daddy, no false advertising here. He just laughed. (I don’t know if it was at my good joke or my wrecked car). It didn’t really matter, and he seemed like an ok guy. I asked him to send another cab for me.

I was beginning to feel a bit weak, like I had a flu bug or something, so when my cab came, I told him how to get to my office by the quickest route and I went upstairs to pour a stiff scotch. That usually cured anything. At least temporarily.

I took out the card Janis gave me and looked at it. Another couple of drinks and I might give it a call. I rolled a fat one and poured another drink.

Then I dialled the number on the card.

“Hello” said a woman’s voice.

“I’m calling for the anal action” I said.

“Who is this?”

“Who’s that? Is this the right number?”

“Is that you Slev.”

“Yeah, who’s that?”

“It’s me, Chana. I was just thinking about you. Did you want to see me tonight?”

“You know I do.”

“Well, why don’t you come over. I got some new toys today. You’d like them.”

“Oh yeah, what’d you get?”

“If I told you, you’d be jacking off already. Why don’t you just come over and I’ll show you.”

“How do you know I’m not already jacking off?”

“You’re not panting enough. But I bet You’re hard though. That was so good last night... and you left so early.”

“Yeah I’m hard alright, and my pants are wet. You really do something to me.”

“I’m wet too. Why don’t you come over right now.”

“I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“I’ll be waiting for you. I want to do something really kinky tonight. Are you into that?”

“As long as It’s not the enema thing. I ain’t into that.”

“No, neither am I, but I am into leather.”

“I knew we came from the same place. There’s something about you.”

“You mean about my ass, right?”

“Yeah, that too. I’m on my way.”

And the band were probably still playing on...

index


... Let The Good Times Roll

Date : Mon Jan 29, 17:36

“Kiss me” she said as I walked through the door.

She looked red hot in a tight black leather outfit with high heels and stockings. She had a whip hanging from her waist, and my erection was showing through my pants.

“Holy Sweet Jesus Christ Almighty!” I remember muttering. I hadn’t used that phrase in a long while and it took something special to bring it out.

She run her hand along my boner and undid the zipper on my pants, giving it a hard squeeze for good measure.

“This is what I want... “ she said, “right in here...”

She turned round and bent over, patting her ass.

“First I want you to lick it. Get on your knees.”

“I need a drink” I said to her.

“You can have a drink later, but first I want you to lick my ass. You like my ass, don’t you?”

“You know I do.”

So I licked her ass, as she was purring like a cat. I felt like an animal.

[Editor’s note: The full description of this high drama anal bondage S&M sex scene has been deleted in the interest of public mental health. We pick it up again a little later.]

So we did the anal thing again, and a lot lot more. I wondered whether I was in heaven or hell. Hopefully though, I was somewhere between the two. I’d settle for that.

I felt invigorated and full of energy. I said to her I needed to do some work, but she didn’t want me to leave. It was only on the promise that I’d come back later that she agreed to untie me from the apparatus.

I got back to the office and saw a guy standing outside my door. He was sliding something underneath it, so while he was bending down, I ran over and got a half-nelson lock on him.

“Who are you buddy? Speak up. I’ll snap your arm like a dry twig if you don’t start singing the right song.”

“I’m Scott Thunes. Are you Slev? Lemme go will ya, I was just putting a note under your door.”

“Scott Thunes. That name sounds familiar. Where do I know it from?”

“I don’t know. I used to play bass guitar for Frank Z. He said I was the best.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember you. You were the crazy one, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me. Look, I heard you’ve been seeing Frank or something, so I got your address and came over. I wanted you to do something for me. I’ll pay you.”

“Do you drink?”

“Sure.”

“Ok, come on in. Tell me what you need.”

We sat down and I poured a couple of drinks. He told me some of the story about how Frank’s last band broke up, and how he wasn’t really to blame. ‘It was those other assholes’ is how he put it. He was just doing his job. Somehow I believed him, and felt a little sorry for him.

“What can I do you for anyway Scotty?”

“Well, is it true you’ve seen Frank?”

“Sure as You’re sitting here. Everyone says I’m crazy, but It’s true.”

“No, I believe you. Frank always said he had this idea for an album from the other side, and if he got a half a chance he’d be doing it.”

“Well, he’s doing it alright. I heard the band play.”

“Who’s playing bass?”

“You know... I’m not really sure. he’s got all these dead guys playing every kind of instrument, but they don’t all play the same instrument that they played when they were alive. Well, some of them do, but they switch around. I remember Charlie Mingus was playing some bass, and Louis Armstrong.”

“Mingus is a piece of shit. I can play better than him... or Armstrong.”

“And Jimi Hendrix was doing the stunt guitar routines... and Janis Joplin was one of the female vocalists.”

“What! No way... Frank would never hire her.”

“Well, I don’t know. She’s there. All she does is grab her crotch and screech all the time. Maybe she gives blow jobs to all the guys in the band, I don’t know.”

“I gotta see them. Can you take me?”

“Yeah, sure, but why? What is it you wanted me to do anyway?”

“Well... It’s my old guitar. I left it over Franks studio before he died, and when I went to pick it up after the funeral, it was gone. I’d really like to find out what happened to it. I loved that guitar man. I’d give anything to have it back. Gail didn’t know, so I figured maybe you could ask Frank. He might know where it is.”

“They’re probably using it. I know they’ve been buying a lot of stuff from the Guitar Store, but I’ll ask him next time I go. Give me your number so I can get hold of you.”

I wrote down his pager number, and said I’d call him when I had some news. I also insisted on a cash deposit on account of the bad reputation the music business had in general. Nothing personal. He seemed loaded with cash and gave me a couple of hundred.

After he left, I began to go through the Joplin fan mail on my desk. There were postmarks from all around the world. How could all these people know about her comeback I wondered. Someone must have told them. I cut off the stamps for my friend who collected them. I did that when I was a kid, but I figured once you start, you can’t ever stop. that’s why I gave it up. I never wanted anything to tie me down. Least of all a ton of old postage stamps all neatly mounted on hinges in row upon row of endless volumes. Countries that no longer even exist today... Rhodesia... the East German Republic, Yugoslavia... It was an endless task.

Some of the letters had phone numbers on them, so I called to ask a few questions...

“Hello... I’m calling about the letter you sent to Janis Joplin c/o Chana Lang.”

“Did she get it already?”

“Yeah, she got it, but we’re curious as to how you knew about it. It was supposed to be a secret.”

“Oh... I got it through some e-mail the other week.”

“What do you mean? What did it say? We’re just curious because like I say, this was supposed to be a top secret project.”

“Well, it just said Janis was recording again... doing a ‘best-of’ type of album, and that she’d like people to write to her and say what our favorite all-time song was so she can record it just for us. So that’s what I did. I thought it was a joke or something, but I did it anyway.”

“Thanks” I said. “Janis appreciates your effort.”

So that was it. Ego. Somehow she’d accessed the net and sent e-mail out to her old fans wanting their feedback. Well, I’d give her her mail later when I went back. I was still coming up with some things that I wanted the answers to. Only this time, I wasn’t going to accept excuses.

I called Annie and told I was still working late at the office, and that I probably wouldn’t make it home tonight and she was to go to bed without me. She was still going on about how good it was earlier and how she wanted to see some of the band again. I told her to use a vibrator and forget them.

There were some calls on my machine, so I figured I might as well check them.

“Hey Slev, It’s Tom man... what are you doing later? Give me a call.” beep, beep, beep, “Slev, this is Gail. If you really think You’re going to release the Big Note album, You’re mistaken. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers in the morning.” beep, beep, beep, “Hello... I’m calling for Mr. Uunofski. This is the IRS here. We’re having trouble locating your last two years tax returns and would like you to call us please.” beep, beep, beep, “Slev. It’s Al... Your car’s in the shop. I’ll see you tomorrow in the office. You gotta take me back there later though... and I want to bring someone if that’s ok. There was something else, what was it... oh yeah... the tape was blank. Just thought I’d let you know... but it was a great night anyway. Cheers. Speak to you later.”

Knowing Al, he probably wanted to take half of Hooties with him. Maybe I could sell tickets for this thing. Everyone seemed to want to go.

I called Tom back and told him the latest news, but like everyone else, he just laughed. Why do people have such a hard time believing what I say? Was it my hair style or something? I guessed I’d have to take him with me as well the next time I went.

I reset my machine and had another drink. It was only midnight and I wasn’t even tired yet. I thought about Suzy and how these things were connecting up, and I got the idea that even she was connected in some way. Maybe it was just the drink, but I couldn’t rule anything out. I called Chana to say I was on my way back, but she wasn’t there. That was strange. I drove over there anyway, but she definitely wasn’t in. Bitch.

index


Tinman, Bonehead & Weasel

Date : Tue Jan 30 1996, 19:20

I must have fallen asleep in my car, because when I awoke it was daylight. I cruised back to the office and ate some stale potato chips and cold pizza left over from last night, and I thought about the way things were shaping up.

I tried the number for Suzy again, still getting no reply, and was thinking about it when another cute looking chick stuck her head through the door.

“Are you Slev Uunofski?” she asked me.

“Sure am” I replied.

“In here boys... we got him.”

Two large goons followed her in. They could have been sumo wrestlers they were so big. The larger one of the two walked behind me and grabbed my arms while the other took out some rope and proceeded to tie me to my chair.

“We are from the law offices of ‘Tinman, Bonehead and Weasel.’ We have been retained by Mrs. Gail Z. to represent her in her action against you concerning the Big Note album. Here is our writ.”

“Oh I get it... No heart, no brain and no soul... right?”

“We got a funny guy here Bob” said the goon behind me as he cracked me one over the head.

The girl opened her briefcase and I saw a bunch of legal papers fall out onto the floor. She bent down and scooped them up, and handed a large brown envelope to the big goon who standing in front of me. He proceeded to roll it up and stuff it into my mouth and then secured it tightly in place with some duct tape that he tore off from a roll he had in his pocket.

“Have a good day” Bob said as they left.

I couldn’t move, and wondered what I would do now. I sat there for a couple of hours thinking about it until someone knocked on the door. I tried to say ‘come in,’ but I could only gurgle.

I imagined my obituary: Little known detective found dead in office tied to a chair with wad of legal papers stuffed in his mouth. Law offices of Tinman, Bonehead and Weasel under investigation for improper service of subpoena.

I managed to get one hand free and loosened the tape around my mouth.

“HELP” I screamed. “I need help in here.”

The door opened and Al walked in.

“What the fuck happened to you.”

“what’s it look like... I just been served with legal papers you asshole. Now untie me.”

“Wait, let me get my camera.”

Al disappeared back out of the door and reappeared a few seconds later with his little instamatic. He had his faults, but he was a sharp attorney when it came to it.

“Now will you fucking untie me or not?”

“Hold on. This will make a great photo for the office wall. Let me just put these papers back in your mouth. There.”

I let him take his pictures and he untied me. I told him how I had just been served by Tinman, Bonehead and Weasel, and now he was here, he should take the papers away and prepare some kind of counter suit.

“So are we going back tonight?” he asked me. “I want to bring Mary if that’s ok.”

“Only one Al? You must be slipping.”

“Well, we can’t all be like you Slev. What time can we go?”

“I don’t know? I don’t really feel like it tonight Al. I think I’ll just go home and sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I’ll let you know.”

So I went home and slept. It had been a rough twenty-four hours.

index


A Quickie for my Shrink

Date : Wed Jan 31 1996, 10:00

I must have slept the sleep of the dead. No strange dreams of actors or threesomes or anything like that. In fact it was tame. I dreamt that I was watching my cat playing in the sand outside the kitchen window with a little baby tiger cub she’d befriended. There were a few tigers out there for some reason and I assumed they were just passing through our area.

So the two cats were digging away in the sand having a fun time together while the mother tiger sat nearby, protectively watching on. I was cooking dinner and remember setting the oven timer to go off in an hour. When it went off, I awoke and realized I was sleeping. I thought I’d just dozed off so I asked Annie to turn it off for me but then realized she was laying right next to me.

I could still hear the oven timer buzzing though, and as my brain came slowly back to me, I realized what the noise was. Annie was relieving herself with the vibrator. I guess she thought that it wouldn’t wake me... or maybe she wanted to wake me - I don’t know. She was obviously still feeling horny after the previous night’s entertainment and was herself dreaming about some heavy action.

Whenever she had one of her porno dreams, she always woke up hot and ready. But who didn’t?

“Sorry” she said... “I didn’t mean to wake you, I couldn’t help myself. I was having a great dream.”

I knew this was a good time to slip it in, so I turned over and did so while she continued with the vibro relief. I hardly had to do anything when she was like this, and it was all I could do to hold back.

“What was going on?” I asked her.

“Well... you know.”

“No tell me.”

“Well, you know those black guys from the band?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I went back by myself to see them, and they were really happy I came back. They took a break and we went over to the corner where it was quiet, and then they started to undress me. I was completely naked and stretched over a table while they each held my arms and legs and took it in turns to fuck me. I think I was doing them all, and they were lining up to take turns. I didn’t mean to be unfaithful, but it was just so nice. All those different guys inside me with their huge pricks.”

“I’m coming.” I said to her as I pulled out and spurted over her ass. “That was nice.”

“I’ve already cum three times. I should stop now.”

“that’s what I call a productive night’s sleep” I told her.

She laughed and got out of bed. I heard the shower running and while she was in there I jacked off again just thinking about her spread out like that with all those black guys taking turns with her.

This was definitely one I’d have to pass on to my shrink.

index


A Slow day at the Office

Date : Wed Jan 31 1996, 14:40

I didn’t feel like doing much today. I’d already been paid, so it didn’t really matter whether I worked or not. ‘Fuck ‘em’ I thought. I was Slev Uunofski. I’d work when I wanted to. Working for people just made me feel like a prostitute anyway and I hated it. Today was a perfect day to do nothing.

I went out and to the garden and did some weeding. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, but I enjoyed it. I couldn’t tell the difference between a Dahlia and a Cactus, but I thought I knew what a weed was. I was wrong.

Annie came out and told me I’d pulled out all the plants she’d just planted last week and I should leave well alone. She tried replanting them, but I’d pulled the roots off, so they were garbage now. She was pissed at me and so I went in to pour myself a drink.

“Why don’t you go back to work?” she moaned.

It was funny. When I worked... she wanted me home, and when I was home... she wanted me at work. A typical paradox. A no-win situation. A catch 22. A Horse with no legs. A bed with no mattress. Or something.

I watched Annie from the window trying to save what plants she could. She didn’t look too happy. Now I was a plant killer. Maybe I’d go to hell. Everything I touched seemed to either die or go sour. What was the point to it all?

Maybe none I thought, as I poured another drink. Maybe the only real purpose in life was to get as far away from one’s self as possible. There lies true happiness.

I put some Strav. on the CD player and cranked it up a bit. Why couldn’t I be like Strav. I thought. I wondered if he’d ever pulled up plants while thinking they were weeds and had his wife bitch at him for it? Did he ever enter her from her rear and enjoy it while she told him about her erotic dreams of being fucked in every orifice by a bunch of black (sorry, African American) musicians? Somehow I doubted it. Maybe I should go to work. Annie was ok by herself.

It was nearly four-thirty by the time I walked up the stairs to the office, and I went down to see how Ethel was doing. Al was there with a new girl showing her the ropes. More than likely trying to show her his rope as well knowing Al the way I did.

“How’s it going? I asked him.

“Ok... Not too bad. Ethel won’t be back for a week or so. Billy-Jean will be here until she’s well enough to come back.”

“You better watch this guy.” I warned her. “don’t leave your used underwear in a drawer here, or it’ll be gone.”

“Slev, cut it out will ya? This is her first day.”

“Sorry. Just a joke. Look... I’ll be in my office if you need me. I want to talk about some stuff if you can find a minute.”

“Well, don’t worry about those papers from Gail’sattorney. When a Judge sees the photos of the way you were served, We’ll have it thrown out in no time.”

“Good. I don’t need any lawsuits right now. And I don’t think it would help my application for citizenship somehow.”

“Slev... will you stop worrying. I’ll sort it out. This great country of ours needs more people like you.”

“Well, We’ll see if the INS agrees with you Al. Can I take it the label thing is still on schedule? I don’t want to let ‘you-know-who’ down.”

“Hey man... is my name Al Malkin or ain’t it?”

“I think it is, but you know I can’t be sure. I’ve only got your word on that.”

“Trust me.”

“Famous last words Al. You know where I’ll be if you need me, right?”

I went to my office and looked at the state of it. I figured it was in need of a good clean up and wondered if I could get my old cleaning lady back. I could afford to pay her the back wages I owed her and she might appreciate that.

I called her and it was done. She’ll be back tomorrow. If only everything in life was that simple. I tried the number for Suzy again, but no-one was picking up that damn phone. I decided I’d call the phone company to see if they’d give me an address on it.

“I’m sorry sir, but we are not allowed to give out addresses to people who only have a phone number.”

“But there might be someone laying dead there right now. It’s important.”

“Well have you called the police?”

“Yes I have, but they say they can’t do anything unless I have more information to go on. They said to ask you.”

“I’m sorry sir, I just can’t help you.”

“Well fuck you then” I shouted at her as I slammed the phone down.

I decided I’d call Suzy and see what she was up to. I had a feeling that things could easily develop in that area with minimal effort. And I liked a woman who knew her cheeses. It wasn’t an easy thing to get down, but she had it. She had it down good.

She immediately agreed to a rendezvous, and when I told her about my non-car situation, she agreed to pick me up. I poured another stiff drink. I needed it. Hopefully, Suzy did too. Divorced women were usually pushovers when it came to getting them in the sack, and since I had an hour to kill before she came I logged into the net to check the e-mail status. What was the old saying? ‘You have to send e-mail to receive e-mail,’ but I rarely sent any out yet I got it back by the bucket load.

As usual there was some in-depth analysis from my shrink about what I ‘should be thinking’ when I was thinking about ‘whatever it was that I was thinking about.’ He hardly ever made any sense. I wondered if it wasn’t really him that needed a serious evaluation of the frontal lobal region.

There was a message from Nig at the VM board in Europe telling me they were using one of my earlier art pieces for their new corporate logo. ‘We can’t afford to pay you anything right now, but if we make some money, We’ll pay you. Hope that’s ok.’ It was the usual story. I’d heard it a million times already and it never changed.

And MB seemed deliriously happy about some new guy she’d met at her judo club. Good for her I thought.

One of my east coast friends was winding up his old business and wondered if I’d like to buy stock in his new company. Yeah.. sure Rob... don’t hold your breath.

I trashed the rest without even reading them and logged into the amateur porno ‘newsgroup.’ There might be something new worth looking at. I found some chick named Jenny showing what she could do with three marines and a dog, and she was pretty hot. I wouldn’t mind a piece of that ass I thought to myself. Where are these women when you need them?

I had to jack off again even though it was my third time today. I’d probably be blind soon if the rumors were to be believed. I wondered if I could ever hold my seed in for more than twelve hours, but somehow I doubted it.

I was still on the net when Suzy arrived. She said she was curious about what was out there so I showed her a couple of my favorite sites and explained how the search function works. I did a quick search for ‘Cheese’ and she seemed really impressed by it all. She wasn’t put off with the fact that all my bookmarks were related to sex or leather either. She was a hard one to ruffle.

“So... are you ready to eat? I’m pretty hungry.” I said to her.

“Yeah... I haven’t eaten since breakfast either. I’m starving.”

“Ok, let’s go then.”

I shut off the computer, and we went down to her car. We got in it and discussed a few possible places and eventually agreed on Musso’s. It was my lucky bar after all.

As we walked into the bar, I couldn’t help thinking she looked ready for it. Nice legs. Nice ass. I could definitely go for it.

We ordered some drinks and looked at the menu. I decided to order the steak figuring I needed some extra strength for what was to hopefully come later.

“So, have you had any more of the crank calls?”

“Actually yes. They phoned again today.”

“What did they say this time?”

“Well, it was very odd again. They were asking me questions. Like was I embarrassed about the size of my tits or something.”

“And are you?”

“No... not at all.”

“Good. What else did they say?”

“Well, it was the same thing really. Was I embarrassed about their size, are they munchkins, and how anything over a mouthful was wasted or something.”

“Well, that ain’t necessarily true.”

“That’s what I say. I’m proud of my breasts. What do you think of them?”

“Well Suzy, I am a breast man, and I have to say they look pretty fine to me.”

“So, have you had any luck on finding where they’re calling from yet?”

“No, but I’m closing in on them, I can feel it. It won’t be too long now“

“that’s ok. I have faith in you. Al said you were a good guy.”

“Al said that?”

“Yeah. He said if anyone can find out who it is, you can.”

“Well, here’s to Al” I said draining my scotch empty.

We drank a few more beers with our meal and I figured it was time to pop the big question to her...

“So, how about it Suzy? Your place, or my office?”

“Oh, I think my place would be better, don’t you?”

“Well, probably... unless of course you prefer doing it on a dirty carpet between the filing cabinets.”

“No. Let’s go to my place. I don’t live that far.”

So I left enough cash for the check with a 10% tip, and we got in her car and headed north. I thought of an old religious proverb as we were driving: As ye start the day, so shall ye end it. I guess they didn’t have Suzy in mind when they wrote that one, but it seemed appropriate somehow.

And so a slow day at the office came to a brisk end. index


Just Some Sex and Nothing But Some Sex

Date : Mon Feb 05 1996, 04:46

Back at her place in bed, I couldn’t help getting the impression that she hadn’t been fucked since her divorce over a year ago. She was screaming and making so much noise that I thought someone would call the Police on us for sure. I was under the sheets giving her my best tongue job, and she was writhing like an eel on a hook. It was hard trying to keep that little ball under my tongue, she kept moving around so much.

I figured she might be into a little bondage right about now, so I grabbed her stocking from the floor and tied her feet to the bed posts. She seemed to be enjoying it even more so I tied her arms tightly to the top of the bed with my tie and a scarf. She was securely bound and loving every second of it. I grabbed her scented knickers from the floor and rolled them into a ball, and stuffed them into her mouth so she couldn’t make a sound. I didn’t tie them in, but held them in place with my hand to check out her reaction. She was into it. She didn’t even try to spit them out.

While she was tied like that, I reached across to the phone by the side of the bed and called Annie. I was massaging her breasts and talking to Annie at the same time explaining that I was caught up with a lead from the case, and I was working late and I didn’t know what time I’d be home... Probably tomorrow sometime. Suzy was still bucking like a bronco underneath me, but quietly now. I said to Annie I loved her and hung up. Then I went down on Suzy again. God she was in heat. Sometimes it felt good to be a man.

index


The German Connection

Date : Mon Feb 05 1996, 04:46

I was back in the office the next morning feeling pretty chipper with myself, and there was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” I yelled.

“Helloo... Are you Mister Slev Uunofski, the detective man?”

“That’s me. What can I do you for?”

“I come to ask if you help me please. I am trying to find my brozza. He came to Los Angeles from Germany two years ago now, and we have not heard from him since that time.”

“Well, It’s a big city you know. He could be anywhere.”

“I’m sorry... My English is not so gud. Can you repeat please.”

“I said... ...what... makes... you...think... I... can... help... you...?”

“Ahh, yes, now I understand. Here is his picture. His name is Josef. He sent this picture to us at home, and now he is no more I fear. Can you find him please?”

“What... is... your... namen?” I asked him.

“My name?”

“yes... what... is... your name?”

“My name is Franz. Josef is my brozza.”

“Ok, I got that part. What do you have to go on? Anything at all?”

“I’m sorry, please repeat.”

“What... else... can... you... tell... me...?”

“ahh yes... I have a letter from him. See here. It is from Los Angeles, no?”

I looked at the letter. It was all in German. I’d have to get it translated.

“Anything ...else?” I asked him.

“Yes... that is all I have. It says where he was.”

“Ok... leave me the letter and photo. I will see what I can do. Do you have a phone... number... where I can call you?”

So Franz left me a card of the hotel where he was staying and I said I’d get back to him if I could find out anything. I looked at the photo to see if I could get a fix on the place. It was Venice Beach. At least that much was clear.

If I remembered right, Al mentioned to me once that one of the waitresses at Hooties was of German extraction, so maybe she could translate the letter for me. I called Al.

“Hey Al... didn’t you say to me a while back that one of the waitresses over at Hooties was German or something?”

“Yeah, Ingrid. You know her... the blond with the cute ass.”

“I don’t know how you can tell the difference between them Al, but I need to see her. I got a german letter I need translated.”

“Well, let’s go over now. I’ll buy.”

So we went over to Hooties. Luckily Ingrid was there, and she of course did have a cute ass. I asked her if she could translate the letter for me while we ate. She seemed pretty agreeable and set to it. I told her it was a big case I was working and she liked that.

A little while later she was back with the letter and a copy written out in English. I thanked here and read it over.

“Dear Franz, I am having a great time here in Los Angeles. Venice is wonderful. Have been to Disneyland and Knot’s Berry Farm and will also visit Magic Mountain and Universal Studios before I leave. I am enclosing a photo of myself in front of the tattoo store at the beach. I just got one done and will show it to you when I get back. Have met a some nice people here and some not so nice. Americans are funny people. I have to go now, to eat, so will write again soon before I leave. Best Wishes... Josef.

“Ingrid... Is that all he wrote?”

“that’s all it says. Why... Is there a problem?”

“No, that’s fine. Just making sure that’s all. Thanks for doing that. I appreciate it.”

“that’s ok. Anytime I can help, let me know. I’ll be your assistant mole... no?”

“Sure Ingrid... and thanks for the burger as well.”

I asked Al if I could borrow his car for a while to check it out. He didn’t mind, so I cruised down to the beach and took a stroll along the boardwalk looking for the tattoo store. It didn’t take long to find it. Trouble was, it was the beach, and these guys didn’t like giving information out to just anyone. The only way I could get a look inside and see what was what, was by getting a little tattoo myself. Not a pleasant thought, but it had to be done.

I went inside and told the guy I wanted a small discreet tattoo someplace. Nothing fancy. He said I should look through a book of his other work. Apparently they photograph every tattoo they inflict on people so as to avoid repetition. I figured there was a chance Josef should be in here someplace.

So I looked through the book a while but I couldn’t see Joseph. I did see a lot of strange tattoos though. I tried to imagine what made these people do this to themselves, but that one was completely beyond me. I decided to go for a little fedora hat on my arm. I figured it was so small it wouldn’t hurt too much, and at least it wouldn’t stop me sitting down.

Then while I was wincing with the pain, I saw on the wall a tattoo saying Z. on Someone’s dick. I asked if that one was for real, and the guy started telling me about this crazy German guy called Josef who came in and how he said Z. gave him a hard-on and so he wanted Z. tattooed on his dick. I pulled the photo out of my wallet.

“This wouldn’t be the guy... would it?”

“Yeah that’s him. Crazy German guy. You think every day I have tattoo someone’s dick? He said that he and some his friends be sneaking into Z.’s house to have a look and show him tattoo. I told him he was crazy... he could get shot. But he said it was ‘ok’ and Z. likes people to jump over his fence to say hi.”

“You sure You’re talking about this guy? It was a while back you know.”

“Of course I sure. I ‘memb’r him. Crazy German Z. fan. I ’memb’r him good. No forget his dick in my hand. It’s disgusting. How come you have photo anyway?”

“Well, I’m looking for him. He disappeared a while back. No trace. I’m looking for him for his brother who wants to know where he is. I don’t suppose you ever seen him around again?”

“No... just one time. So tell me... you didn’t want a tattoo at all... did you? You just wanted to check on this German guy and you thought I no tell you... right?”

“Well, sort of...”

“Well take this motherfucker.” he said and jammed the needles into my arm really hard.

“You get out of my shop. I no finish your tattoo. It stay work in progress forever.”

So I rolled down my sleeve, picked up my jacket and left. I walked down the boardwalk pretty happy. I was some fucking detective. I’d got a lead on Josef right away. No messin’. I was good. But now I had to find out what happened to him. Jeez... a dick tattoo. How could he do that? I figured at least now I had a reason to have a look around up at Gail’s house. Maybe Josef was in one of them planters. I’d have to be careful though. If I could just get some hard evidence to give to the cops.

It was getting late. The sun was setting across the ocean, and Malibu was looking picture perfect so I stopped in for a drink at a bar and watched the sun go down. Then it was time to head home to Annie.

index


The Shrink Got Plooked and Everyone Was Happy

Date : Mon Feb 05 1996, 06:38

I awoke the next morning feeling drained. Some very strange dreams in the night. I actually dreamt my shrink was engaging in some oral type stuff with the black guys in the crew. It was pretty vivid and I was trying get away, but I couldn’t, and they were fighting to see who could get on top. I’d have to tell him about this and see what he says. I could just imagine it...

“That is normal. Everyone dreams about their shrink in this manner at some time or another. It is a healthy thought - don’t worry about it.”

Yeah... right. Healthy my ass!

I also dreamed that I was looking through the newspaper and saw in the Sports section that Moon Z. had just won a Gold Medal in the Winter Olympics for figure skating. There was a photo of her with the medal, I was thinking how proud Frank would be to see that. But then I woke up.

I told Annie about the dick tattoo over breakfast, and she just laughed. Said it sounds just like a German. I thought about calling Franz and telling him I had a lead already, but then thought better of it. I’d be on the phone for ever trying to explain it to him.

Today I would go on the offensive. No more Mr. Nice Guy. I decided I’d call Scott back and take him over to see Frank. Get that sorted out. So I called his pager number, and pretty soon he called me back. I told him to meet me at Tom Waits restaurant in an hour. I kissed Annie on the cheek, and told her I didn’t know what time to expect me home that night.

Scott was late, but he arrived and we went up the back stairs to the roof. I showed him how to do the secret pass routine, and we was in there. Frank was looking pretty unhappy with some of the guys in the band. I could only guess what they’d done wrong.

I walked over to him, but he said now wasn’t the best time to be here.

“Frank... I really don’t care too much man... you know! This is real life. You just have to deal with it sometimes. Now Scott’s here and he wants to ask you about his guitar.”

Frank saw Scott, and Scott was looking at Frank in disbelief.

“Scott... How are you doing man? It’s good to see you. Come in.”

They were hugging each other and stuff, so I figured I’d leave the two love birds alone for a minute and check out some of the band guys who were plooking Annie the other day. Hell, it was probably all of them.

I recognized Charlie Parker, but he looked odd with a guitar, and Billie Holiday and Sarah Vaughan were singing some nice harmony. That was neat. I could see the hugging and kissing had stopped, so I walked back over to Frank and Scott.

“So what’s the deal... have you got his guitar here or not?”

“Yeah, I’m using it. It’s a great little guitar... I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t mind Scott, I’m sorry. Charlie really likes it.”

“Not Mingus?

“Yeah. Charlie’s good. He ain’t you, but he’ll do.”

“Frank, you can’t give my guitar to Charlie Mingus man. I’m sorry. I’d rather smash it. I loved that guitar man. Where is it?”

Just then Scott saw his bass on stage shining under a spotlight from above. He became a child again, frozen in his tracks. Innocently in love with his guitar. He ran over to it, took it from its rest, and caressed it, tightly wrapping his arms around the long neck part and pulling it tightly against his chest. He held it closely and swayed with it.

It was almost moving, but I could feel myself getting sucked into the unreality of it all, so I snapped back out.

“I think you’d better let him have his guitar back Frank... you can see he needs it.”

Frank ignored me, and walked over to Scott at the stage.

“Hey Scotty... How would you... ‘Mr. Scott...’ like to play with these guys for a bit. Just show them some of your old licks. For old time’s sake.”

“Yeah sure Frank, it’d be an honor.”

“Look Frank...” I said “This is all very well and good, but do you know I was served with papers from your wife’s attorney yesterday? They want possession of the master tape for the Big Note album ‘forthwith and pronto like.”

“Not a problem Slev... Trust me. Things are shaping up good.”

“Well maybe for you, but they ain’t looking so hot from my side of the picture. I’ve still got a lump on the back of my head the size of a walnut, and I still want to know about Chana and how she fits into all this.”

“Slev, I can’t tell you about that yet. Honestly. It would ruin everything. If it will make you happy, I’ll make sure Suzy doesn’t get bothered again, ok? Is that fair?”

“You know about that?”

“Yeah sure. Jim told me what they did. I thought it was kinda funny really. Jim and Keith saw her name in the white pages and decided to rib her a bit coz of the cream cheese thing. I don’t think they meant any harm. They were just having some fun between sessions. You know what these guys are like.”

“You mean Jim Morrison?”

“Yeah, and Keith Moon. Jim is great on vocals and exposed genitals, and Keith insisted on playing. It just got a bit out of hand, that’s all. I’ve already told them to lay off. Trust me, it won’t happen again. I guess she was a pretty good lay though... huh?”

“don’t tell me you were in the bushes watching again?”

“Hey Slev... Man you were good.. The way you stuffed those underpants in her mouth was great. I’m already writing a song about it.”

“And I suppose you don’t know anything about the missing kraut with the tattooed dick?”

“What about him?”

“Well, where is he? You know his folks are looking for him.”

“Look Slev, You’ll have to ask Gail about that. I know nothing - if you catch my drift.”

“Yeah... I got ya. Ok. I’m out of here. I trust You’ll show Scott the how to get out.”

“No problem. he’s gonna hang for a while anyway. Come back later though and bring some women. I promised these guys blow jobs if they ever played this thing right, and now I owe ‘em. Bring some Road Ladies.”

“No way Frank. I’m a detective. Not a procurer of women. Get Scott to get them. I’ll see you later though.

So I did the exit thing again, still feeling stupid about doing it, and ended up back on the empty roof right under the middle of a passing storm cloud. I arrived back at the office with Al moaning that I kept his car too long, and soaking wet. In the office I proceeded to undress down to my underpants when Chana walked in. Both she and her ass looked hot in very high heels and a black leather mini skirt.

“Undressing for me?” she said and laughed, reaching out one hand toward my manhood.

“Please... not now. I’m wet and I got things to do here.”

“I’m wet too. Let’s share our wetness.”

“didn’t we have this discussion already?”

“No, that was a different kind of wetness... remember?”

“Yeah, I remember. I also remember you weren’t in when I came back. Where'd you get to.”

“I just went shopping that’s all.”

“Chana. Your ass twitches when you tell a lie. I know you didn’t come back. Now where’d you go?”

“Ok, so I went to some club. What do you expect me to do... wait until you come back at who knows what time? Not this piece of ass. I was going to ask if you wanted to come out with me tonight, but I don’t think I will now. See you around Slev.”

Then she turned and walked out.

I ran to the door after her and saw her getting in the elevator.

“I’m sorry Chana. It’s been a weird couple of days. Can I call you later... please?”

“Ok, call me around seven.”

And then she was gone. She had me and we both knew it. I was standing there in the hallway in my underpants, and I didn’t care. I was happy.

index


Kink du Jour

Date : Mon Feb 05 1996, 08:15

I took a nap in the chair while my clothes dried out in front of the space heater, and when I woke up, I saw that it was nearly six. I still had time to check my e-mail and do a bit of surfing on the net before I called Chana.

There was the usual stuff. Shrink mail. Mail from fans who liked some of my old art. They claimed to have seen God while looking at it. Fine. Send me some money then.

MB had split with the judo guy, and was now finding comfort with the church.

Then I saw it... a friend had e-mailed me asking if I had heard the news yet, and if I hadn’t, to switch it on.

So I turned on the radio, and heard it right away. Top story.... ‘Bass guitar player Scott Thunes was killed today when he fell twelve floors from the roof of an empty restaurant building to his instant death on the sidewalk below. Foul play had not been ruled out, and police were investigating whether it was a case of suicide.’

Holy Moly! I couldn’t believe it. This was a shocker alright! An ass-kicker. Some moments of contemplation were necessary to mull these events over. I didn’t figure there was any point in me going to the police with what I knew because they wouldn’t believe me anyway. I could just imagine it...

“Inspector... If you want to see Frank Z., you have to hold your breath for thirty seconds, and stand very still, then say Sharleena. And when you want to leave, you have to click your heels together three times like in the Wizard of Oz.”

I think they’d have me in the loony ward pretty sharpish. No, ‘mum’ was definitely the word as far as I was concerned. I poured myself a stiff drink. I needed it badly.

I called Chana, and she said to come over right away so I told I’d be there as soon as I could... but I had to call a taxi first.

“I’ll be there just as soon as I can, and wait for me this time. I don’t want anyone to have your ass tonight but me.”

“Ok... I’ll be waiting. Just let yourself in and come upstairs. I’ll have something nice and warm all ready for you. Would you like that?”

“Chana, you show me a man that doesn’t like your hot ass, and I’ll show you a faggot in a fairy skin. Just wait for me. I got something to tell you.”

“Ok, I’ll be waiting” and she hung up.

I called Fat Daddies and told them I needed a cab just as fast as they could get one here. I showed him the route to Chana’s place, paid him, let myself in, and went up the stairs to her bedroom.

She was waiting for me alright. I saw her in bed under the sheets and walked over.

“Undress and sit down on the bed, and close your eyes. I have something for you.”

I stripped off like she said, but the next thing I knew, some kind of leather bag was placed over my head and secured around my neck. I couldn’t see diddly.

“Now put your arms behind you.”

So I did as she said, and felt her strap some restraints around my wrists and secure them together.

“Now I’m going to have some fun with your ass. And You’re going to like it. Come on... say you want Chana to do nice things to your ass.”

“You know I do.”

“No, come on, say it properly.”

“Chana, you know I want you to do nice things to my ass... but I’d rather do them to yours.”

She pulled me half onto the bed and I felt her tying my head down so I couldn’t move. Then I felt some cold lube being spread around my ass, and she positioned herself behind me. Then I could feel something pushing It’s way into my browneye.

“There... how do you like that? Does that feel good? Chana takes ass and gives it too. I just bought this new strap-on today, especially for you.”

She was stroking me, and attaching some clamps and weights to my balls...

[Editor’s note: Again dear reader, in the interest of public decency, we must curtail this sexual romp through the Garden of Eden for fear of prosecution. We resume the story when both parties are sitting in bed smoking a cigarette, and saying how good that was.]

“That was good Chana. I’ve never felt so ‘humiliated’ before. That was so good.”

“Well, I still think It’s better to receive than to give.”

“Oh I don’t know, I liked them both.”

“that’s because You’re a kinky son of a bitch.”

“Listen... how do fancy going out? We could go and see Z. and his band on the roof if you fancy it and I could show you the person who was using your credit card.”

“Ok, that might be fun. As long as we can do this later again.”

So we got dressed and drove over to the restaurant.

index


Road Ladies Improvisation

Date : Mon Jan 22 1996, 19:31

When we got to the restaurant, the police were still all over the place. Measuring and marking stuff up everywhere. We snuck around to the back to the building, and to the stairs that lead to the roof. I explained to Chana the special way to get in as we walked up the stairs. Then when we got to the top and walked out, there was a cop there with a gun telling us to freeze.

“Now Chana... Hold still.... Sharleena... quick.”

The last thing I remember as we faded into the stage area was the look on the cop’s face. I guess he’ll still be like that when we leave. Frank was looking pretty happy about something, and when the guys saw Chana they let out a little yell. Jeezuz, I thought! These guys are expecting blow jobs. I hoped they didn’t think Chana was here for them.

Then as she walked, they seemed to be playing a little signature tune that kept time with the movements of her ass.. It was reminiscent of the typical music played at strip club’s and she seemed to recognize the tune. Her ass swayed even more.

Frank called over.

“Hey Slev... Could you only bring one? There was a rumor that you were some kind of wonder pimp in your younger days. These guys are hungry you know.”

“Frank... Chana ain’t for these guys, and I told you , I wasn’t going to do that... you remember... I said let Scott handle that.?”

“Well, that didn’t work did it? I thought you heard the news... I assumed you knew Scott wasn’t going to be doing that now, so you brought Chana instead.”

“Yeah.. You wished! No-way. Tell me what happened to Scott anyway? I heard on the news that he fell from the roof. Murder?”

“No.. nothing like that. He just made the ultimate sacrifice, that’s all. He really wanted to be in the band, and I told him that he had to be dead first. When he got a grasp of the big picture, he went back out onto the roof, swaggered around a little trying to adjust, thought about it for a minute, then he jumped. Two fucking minutes later he’s back in here picking up his bass, the band is even hotter, and Mingus is on Sax. I may just have to do a few overdubs with Scott.”

“I’m stunned” was all I could say. I walked over to Scott, looking up at him on stage, and all I could say was... “You jumped?”

He just smiled and gave me the thumbs up and continued to pluck the strings on his guitar.

I turned around to look for Chana, and much to my disappointment, saw that she was already half naked, bent over a speaker stack and getting it up the ass from some of the black guys in the band. The white guys were beginning to strip off as well and a line was forming at her ass, so I walked over there and told them ‘she was mine... I’m next.’

“What took you so long?” was all she asked.

I heard Frank call a ‘take ten.’

It might take longer than that I thought as I shoved it right in.

“This stroke’s for Frank.” I said. Then... “Your turn” to the next person in line. I think it was Duke Ellington. I watched him slide it in then pulled my pants up and walked away. Frank was laughing.

“Now you see the real meaning of Chana. It’s a lovely thing to behold...ain’t it!“

She had now opened for business at the front end too, I guess to cut down on the waiting time for the guys in line. This was a big band after all.

“Well, you can finish her. I’m off. I got a little checking up to do back at your house. I’m looking for some missing German sausage... if you know what I mean.”

“You know the police are all over the roof out there. Go over to the side by the back of the stage and do it there... You’ll come out right on the stairs and no-one will see you. The boys here will take good care of Chana.”

“Cheers” I said. I took his advice and sure enough there was no-one there, and I came down the stairs unnoticed. Chana didn’t know it, but I snagged her car keys while she was busy. I let myself in and drove up to Mulholland. She could hitch it home no problem.

index


The Night of the German Shossage

Date : Tue Feb 06 1996, 03:11

I parked down the street a little and walked up the hill to Frank’s house. It was dark and very quiet. When I got to his place, I began to work my way around the side of it looking for a hole in the fence... or someplace I could get through.

I found an opening that was I guess made by previous visitors, or maybe a dog, and crawled through. I could see the kitchen lights on, so kept low. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but somehow I felt this was the only way I would find anything.

I began to feel like all those other artists before me who had broken into Franks place and crawled around trying not to get caught. I remember someone once left a yellow shark that Frank later used for a logo on an album. And Bob Dylan may have crawled through this very same hole.

“No... Bob came in from over there.”

“Frank... What are you doing here?”

“I came here to help you. You’d never find anything by yourself. And the Rot’s would tear you apart.”

“What Rot’s?”

“The one’s Gail would release on you if you were to trip one of these little wires buried around the place. See There’s one right here. Another two seconds and you’d be dog food.”

He held up a little wire, and sure enough, it ran to the side of the house.

“Ok... I’m gonna help you... What was on the cover of “we’re Only In It For The Money?”

“Jeezus Frank... I don’t want to play musical trivia games right now if you don’t mind.”

“Come on...think.”

“Alright... There was a bunch of people all standing around, with a drum, and some vegetables in the front, and I think there was a manakin too. You also looked pretty good in the mini-dress if I remember right. Now so what?”

“The vegetables, that’s what. Now do you see any vegetables around here?”

“Yeah... over there. The pumpkin patch.”

“So... why don’t you go look over there. And be careful of the trip wires.”

“You could have told me that in the first place and made this a lot easier you know.”

“It’s more fun this way. Now when you get there, look for a small thing that looks like a piece of pottery.”

I crawled over to the pumpkin patch and saw a bunch of different ornaments around the pumpkins. There was some doll’s furniture and a bunch of things that all looked like little pottery pieces of some description. Some were pretty nice and sophisticated. Others looked like they were made by young kids. I was trying to figure out what all this had to do with Josef when I saw a little pickle jar by one of the pumpkins. I could see inside it was a shrivelled-up dick in some water, and I could see the word Z. tattooed on the side. It was the same one as I saw in the photo at the tattoo parlor in Venice Beach.

So Josef was dog food, and for some reason they saved his sausage.

I grabbed the jar and crawled back to hole where I got in. I almost caught a trip wire, but didn’t catch it hard enough for it to go off. Frank said I was on my own now, and he’d see me later.

I walked back down the hill to the car, looking at the penis under the moonlight, and I couldn’t help thinking about poor Josef. First he gets this done, then he gets killed. Now his folks back home will be looking at this little thing in the jar and wondering where they went wrong and why they caused him to do this to himself.

They would never understand what Frank meant to him, and he probably died happy with his dick stinging like a rattler-bite, while he was being chewed on by Frank’s Rot’s. To some crazy fans, this could have been considered a good death. They were martyrs for the cause, and just more sausage meat for the grinder.

Maybe now I could get the police up here to do a full search. God knows how many shossages might be here.

index


Where Are the Brain Police When You Need Them?

Date : Tue Feb 06 1996, 09:25

I was driving like the proverbial bat-out-of-hell home to Annie. I felt like I was getting somewhere at last and it felt good. Then I felt an itch in my pants and remembered Chana. Jeezuz. I’d left her there. She could still be there for all I knew. Hell, so what. As long as she was happy. I got home and Annie was already asleep in bed. Good girl.

I woke her and showed her the little shrivelled dick in the pickle jar.

“God... Take that away... It’s disgusting. I can’t believe you woke me to show me that.”

“But I’ve cracked the case. This is Josef’s sausage. Cute little thing ain’t it?”

“Maybe to you, but I’d like to go back to sleep if you don’t mind...unless of course you’ve got an old turd you want to show me as well.”

“Sorry. I just thought you’d like to know I found the kraut, and Gail’s ass is gonna be in a downtown jail just as soon as the cops see this.”

I picked up the phone and called the hotel where Franz was staying, and got punched through to his room.

“Franz... It’s me... Slev the detective... remember?”

“Yes... I remember. You have some news for me? I was asleep.”

“I found him... I found your brozza.”

“Really... you find Josef?”

“Well, not all of him. Just his dick. It’s all that’s left.”

“I don’t understand. You say you find him... but not all of him...”

“Franz... Your brozza is dead... Kaput... Finito! He bit the big salami... geddit?”

“Josef is dead?”

“Well don’t sound so shocked about it... I thought you knew that already.”

“No... not Josef... He cannot be dead.”

“Franz... look, if he ain’t dead, he’s walking around somewhere as a eunuch.”

“What? I’m sorry... what is eunuch?”

“Meet me tomorrow in my office at nine o’clock. I will explain... everything to... you.”

“Ok... I see you then. And thank you Slev.”

“You’re welcome Franz. See you tomorrow.”

I stuck the jar in the fridge for safekeeping overnight and joined Annie in bed. I prayed that I would sleep normally tonight. No more crazy dreams... Please.

It was no use. The dreams were stranger than ever. I dreamt Chana was still there doing one guy after another, and she now had a meter attached to her ass which was running and spitting out tickets with the time each guy spent in her ass. Frank was having a hard time trying control everyone’s chord construction, and he was banging his stick on the music stands. Al was running around naked and offering himself to anyone, and I remember I saw him making out with Nico while Keith Moon was tickling his ass with a feather. Moon arrived direct from Europe to show Frank her new Gold Medal. She’d come straight from the airport and had her entire skating entourage with her. Suzy was there serving cream cheese buffets for everyone wearing a little apron. Jim Morrison was swinging around like a chimpanzee from the lighting towers, and there were even dancing elephants wearing little pink hats. The whole scene was crazy, and luckily I woke up.

I couldn’t help thinking that maybe some of our wonderful guys in the military (or someone else’s military) weren’t conducting experiments using the satellites in orbit to bounce beams down to us, just to see if they affected our heads.

If they were, they were affecting mine for sure. But how could I prove such a theory?

I tried getting back to sleep again, but every time I closed my eyes, weird twisted visions came flooding into my head. I wasn’t even asleep either... I just had to close my eyes and they appeared. I tried again, but the same thing kept happening. Shit I thought. What if I can never sleep again.

I decided I’d roll a joint and sit this one out, so I got up and went over to my stash.

I must have finally fallen asleep on the couch because I awoke freezing cold and with a stiff neck just before sunrise. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to Annie. She was warm like fresh toast out of a grill. I guess the secret experiments had stopped because I could close my eyes again, and I fell back to sleep.

index


Judgement Day Cometh...

Date : Wed Feb 07 1996, 03:53

I was a bit tired when I got into the office on account of the disruptive nights sleep. It was only eight-thirty, so I switched on the computer and logged into the net to check my e-mail.

MB had already left the church and was now making plans to wrest control of her father’s company in some kind of power play move. What this girl’s aim was I couldn’t figure.

Also as I expected, my shrink thought my earlier dream sequence was perfectly normal, and said ‘he has them himself all the time.’

There was another spam Buk’ message, this time saying ‘I was nearly home free, and to keep up the good work,’ and how ‘proud’ of me he was.

There was more junk mail asking if I wanted to advertise my detective agency on the Internet, and how for only two hundred dollars I could have my own web page.

There was a few more to check, but the knock on the door signalled the arrival of Franz.

“Come in” I shouted.

“Franz... sit down.”

“Thank you Slev... So you find my brozza... yes?”

“Franz... Prepare yourself for a shock.”

“Ok. I am ready. What is the shock?”

“This is all that is left of your brozza” and I handed him the small pickle jar.

It was the first time I really looked at in the daylight. It was pretty small and shrivelled, but the tattoo really stood out. And it didn’t look like it had been chewed off either. It was a clean cut.

“This cannot be my brozza. He was much bigger than this.”

“Franz... these things shrivel up you know. Look at the tattoo. Remember in the letter he said that he just had one done, and he’d show it to you when he got back home. Well, this is the tattoo. You can see the ink marks never aged. It was probably cut off the same day. And I saw the man that did it at the beach...he told me this is the tattoo he gave your brozza. I’m sorry kid, but this is Josef’s dick.”

“What happened to the rest of him?”

“Probably eaten by the dogs. I guess someone saved this part for a little garden ornament or something.”

“Well, what do we do now? Shall we go to the police?”

“Yes, I think that would be the best thing. We’ll need to take your letter with us as well.”

Just then the phone rang. I would have let the machine pick it up, but it was such a hard job talking to this guy, I figured it would be nice to talk to anyone who spoke English right now, so I answered it.

“Slev... This is Frank. There’s a bomb in your office about to go off. Get out now.”

“Shit. How long?”

“Now! Get out immediately.”

I slammed the phone down and grabbed Franz by the shoulder and told him we had to get out of the office right now. There was a bomb.

“A bomb? I don’t understand.”

“Move it Franz... Out.”

I grabbed the pickle jar and pushed Franz out of the office. Al was walking down the corridor, and I shouted out to him...

“Al, There’s bomb in my office gonna go blow any second. Get out of the building now. Sound the alarm.”

“Slev, will you cut it out. Do you know that It’s a Federal offense to make bomb jokes.”

“Ok Al... See you in hell sometime.”

I pushed Franz down the stairs and out into the street. We was there only a few seconds and I was beginning to wonder if this really was a hoax when a loud explosion rocked the building. Glass was flying out from the upstairs windows and falling all around us. We ducked into the doorway to protect ourselves, and almost immediately people came running down the stairs and out into the street.

When the glass stopped falling, I stepped out and looked up at my office to see black smoke billowing from all the windows. Franz was looking shaken.

“don’t worry Franz... I saved your brother’s pickle.”

“I don’t understand? Who would want to kill you?”

“Lots of people Franz. But I suspect it to be the person who did this to your brozza. I think they may have noticed it missing and wanted to stop me taking it to the Police.”

“We should go to the police now... no?”

“Pretty soon.. Let’s just make sure everybody is ok here first.”

I saw Al walking out the doorway holding Billy-Jean. She looked shaken too.

“So how do you like being a legal temp now?” I asked her.

“Cut it out Slev. This is no time for your jokes. Who did this? Do you know.”

“Who do you think Al? Who is the one person who wants to see me more extinct than the kangaroo rat?”

“Gail...?”

“Yeah... and look what I found last night up at her house. This is all that’s left of this guy’s brozza.”

I held up the pickle jar to show him.

“Jeezuz... that’s disgusting.”

“Well, I’m sure yours wouldn’t look too hot either if it had been cut off and stuck in a pickle jar for nearly two years. Don’t you get it? With this, the police will have to get a search warrant and go up there to look around.”

“Why? because you found a piece of sausage with the word Z. tattooed on it?”

The police and paramedics were already beginning to arrive, and I recognized one of the guys that first took Gail away from my office the other week. I called him over.

“What happened here?” he asked.

“Someone put a bomb in my office.”

“Do you know who did it?” he asked me.

“Well, I can’t prove it, but I have a good idea. You remember that woman you took away last week from my office in handcuffs?”

“Yeah... the lady with the big shot attorney.”

“Her!“

“Ok, We’ll look into it.”

“There’s something else too...”

“What?”

“Do you remember I told you about various people disappearing up at her house with no trace?”

“Yeah, but I thought I told you, without some hard evidence, there was nothing we could go on.”

“Here’s some hard evidence” I said, and showed him the pickle jar.

“Well, it don’t look that hard to me.”

“Please...” Franz interrupted. “That is my brozza you are making jokes about.”

“Who’s this guy?”

“This is Franz Jergel. He hired me to look for his missing brother. I tracked him down to a tattoo shop in Venice where he had his dick tattooed, and then last night I found this in the garden at her house. I think this should be enough for you to get a search warrant pretty easily, and there’s probably more people buried up there. If you take his statement, and show this to a judge, you might solve a few outstanding missing person cases.”

“This is pretty strange. How did you get in there anyway?”

“I crawled in through a hole in the fence, and this was right in the pumpkin patch.”

“Look, if you came by this evidence illegally, the judge will throw it out in two seconds. This OJ thing has fucked everything up for us. Before we can even say that this red liquid ‘looks like blood,’ we have to get independent lab tests done from fourteen different hospitals around the world, and by that time It’s so degraded, we can never do anything. It’s pathetic.”

“I agree that’s horrible, but this guy has lost his brother and someone cut his dick off. You have to do something.”

“Ok, I’ll check into it. I know a judge who might do me a favor. His wife left him for some guy in the music biz, so he’s liable to come down on our side. I’ll need to take this jar with me though.”

“Can I get a receipt for it?”

“Sure“

So Franz went off with the cop guy to make his statement, and hopefully soon something would be done. I tried to get back into the building to have a look at my office, but the fire department wouldn’t allow anybody back in.

I saw Al and suggested we retire to Hooties for a coffee. Billy-Jean looked like she could use one, so we strolled over there.

All the tits and ass in Hooties flocked around us asking what happened, and of course since it was my office that was blown out, they were all over me. So I told them the story of how I found a device in my mail, tried to disarm it, but realized it was going to blow. I told them how I tried to save everyone in the building before I left, and that was all really.

They loved every second, and I was stunned that it took so little exaggeration to make these gals swoon. I figured that their combined IQ’s didn’t even total 10. I guess that’s why they worked at Hooties.

We could see the fire department were allowing some people back in, so we walked across and went upstairs. My office was gone. Zero left. All my good green weed... gone. My collection of sex cards... gone. My computer and all my e-mail was melted into a pile of plastic. Everything was gone.

“Slev, you can always use my spare office until you get this fixed up if you want.”

“Cheers Al, I may take you on that. By the way... How’s the label thing coming along anyway? Is it all done yet? I want to wrap this thing up for Frank asap.”

“Yeah, it should all be ready by now. I’m supposed to pick up the papers today. Where shall I call you now you don’t have an office phone anymore?”

“Call me at home. I have to check on a couple of things first, but I’ll be home later.”

“Ok... I’ll call you.”

index


And the Walls Came’a Tumblin’ Down...

Date : Wed Feb 07 1996, 03:53

I still had Chana’s car so I figured I’d cruise by her place on my way home. Well, actually it was in the opposite direction, but what the fuck. I thought I should at least make sure she was alright and explain that I borrowed her car.

I knocked on her door and the maid answered.

“Is Chana in please.” I asked.

“No, I’m sorry sir, Miss Lang doesn’t appear to have returned home yet.”

“Ok, can you tell her Slev came by, and I’ll call her later.”

I got in her car and drove home to Annie. I was thinking to myself that Chana was probably still going at it on stage. Frank was probably pissed about the level to which the rehearsals had fallen. But somehow I didn’t care too much. That wasn’t my problem.

I arrived home and Annie was surprised to see me so early.

“Gail blew up my office. It’s gone.”

“What... everything?”

“Well, not Josef’s sausage. That was the only thing I managed to save.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Take a nap. Can you call me at six? I feel really tired, and a nap will do me good.”

“Ok, you go to sleep. I’ll wake you later.”

It seemed like I had just got to sleep when I felt Annie waking me up.

“what’s the matter? It’s not six already is it?”

“No. It’s only five, but I thought you should come and see the news.”

“What? what’s on?”

“Just come and look. You won’t believe it.”

So I wiped the sleep from my eyes and went into the front room to see what the big fuss was about. I immediately saw that my office building was on the screen with a reporter gesturing up to my burned out windows. Then they cut away to a big house with trees all around, and there were bulldozers scooping up dirt by the ton. Then I recognized the house.

The reporter was explaining that the police had uncovered the remains of two bodies and were searching for more. Then they showed a shot of Gail in handcuffs wearing dark glasses and being led to a waiting police car. It had it’s lights flashing, and sped away from the scene leaving what looked like thirty or so people digging up the grounds looking for more evidence.

I guess that was that. Gail wouldn’t be bothering me for a while at least. And Franz should be happy that I had found his brozza for him. Being a detective wasn’t so bad. I could get to like it. Although in the future, it might pay to keep a spare office.

index


The End of Ass as We Know It

Date : Wed Feb 07 1996, 03:53

I decided to call Al since I was awake now.

“Did you see the news? They just arrested Gail” I said to him.

“Yeah... I saw it. I was gonna call you in a bit. I wanted to ask if you fancied going back to see Frank later. You know I still want to take Mary.”

“Take whoever you want Al. I’m in a mood to party. What time do you want to go?”

“How about ten? Is that good?

“Sure, I’ll meet you up outside Hooties at ten. Did you get all the label stuff sorted out for me?”

“It’s all in my briefcase. Everything is legal and above board. You own the label outright 100%. All you need now is something to release on it.”

“I think I might be getting that pretty soon... I’ll see you at ten. Cheers Al.”

“Not a problem Slev. It’s been fun so far. I hope you get your office fixed up and stay there. I’d hate to see you go somewhere else.”

“I’ll think about it. See you later.”

I figured I’d call Suzy too just to make sure Frank had kept his word, and sure enough the calls had stopped. She asked me if I was free tonight because she wanted to see me. I looked around to make sure Annie wasn’t within earshot, and told her to meet me at ten at the Hooties opposite my office. I also told her to check out the news to see the case I had just cracked. She said the other night was fantastic and she wanted to do it again. My bone instinctively began to rise and throb in anticipation.

I wanted to call Chana again to see how she was, but I didn’t think it would be such a great idea to call her from here. I told Annie that I still needed to do some work and I’d be home later at some unknown time.

So I jumped into Chana’s car and headed straight to the nearest pay phone and dialled her number.

“Miss Lang’s residence.”

“Hello... is Chana back yet please?”

“No I’m sorry sir, she still hasn’t returned home. I have no idea when to expect her. Can I take a message?”

“No, It’s ok. I’ll see her later I guess. Thanks.”

Where the fuck was she? I figured that since I’d be plooking later with Suzy anyway, I couldn’t really complain. So I drove around and found a quiet bar, and I was sitting there having a drink, reading a day old newspaper when the TV news came on again. It was the same story and the same clips. The burned out office window. The bulldozers at Gail’s house. The discovery of now four bodies. Some of them German tourists. Then there was a new story.

It was Chana. This couldn’t be! I asked the barman to turn it up so I could hear it.

“...And in a breaking story, the body of a young woman was found tonight in a downtown alleyway. It appeared the young woman, a Miss Chana Lang, had been sexually assaulted and repeatedly sodomized. Police were looking for the whereabouts of any person or persons who might have seen her recently. If you have any information that might help them in their investigation, please call this number. Your information will be treated in confidence.” Then they flashed up an 800 number to call.

Holy fucking Jeezuz. I still had her car outside. I made small talk with the barman about how it just wasn’t safe around here for anybody these days, paid my tab and left.

I immediately wiped my fingerprints from her car keys and dropped them down the nearest storm drain. Then I thought that was dumb. My prints were all over the car and her house. Hell, they were even on her strap-on device. I’d have to call them and say what I knew. But how to explain it all.

I found a pay phone and took out the card out of my pocket for the policeman who had been dealing with the Gail thing, and called him up.

“Look... It’s about this woman you found in the alley, Chana. I know her. I fucked her ass... but I didn’t kill her“

“Slev. It looks like you and a million other people fucked her ass too.”

“What do you mean?”

“This chick had so much cum in her ass, it was dripping for eight blocks before she even arrived at the alley. It looked pretty consentual too. No real sign of rape. The Coroner is doing an investigation to determine the Cause of Death, but it looks like she took too many pills and walked in front of a truck or something. We’re looking for any vehicles that might have been in the area earlier. that’s all.”

“Well, I’ve got her car. She loaned it to me last night. That was the last time I saw her.”

“I don’t think you need to worry too much Slev, but I’ve got your number. I’ll call you if we need anything. Just don’t use the car anymore. Leave it where it is and We’ll pick it up tomorrow.

“Thanks” I said “that’s a big relief.”

So I took a long walk over to Hooties, thinking to myself about all the good times I had with her ass, and now they’d be no more. Suzy was pretty kinky, but I didn’t know if she was into the anal fuck. I guess we’d have to see.

I walked along thinking about her ass, and finally arrived at Hooties.

index


The Big Climactic Frenzy

Date : Wed Feb 07 1996, 06:23

Al was there already with two blondes. One was Mary, but I didn’t know the other one. She had a Hooties T-shirt on, so I guess she must have been an employee. Suzy was there too, and looking pretty hot. I walked in and sat down. After the introductions, it turned out Al’s two women were sisters. He was into the sister thing... lucky bastard. I ribbed him a bit about it, and the girls just laughed.

I told them about all the latest developments with it now being up to four bodies, and Chana being found dead in an alleyway. Al then proceeded to return the ribbing with some jokes about how I would miss my daily ass fuck, and what would I do now.

“Actually” I said... “I’d like to get some weed to smoke. All mine got burned up in the office when Gail blew it up.”

“I’ve got some here.” Suzy said opening her purse to show me a little stash.

“Good for you Suzy. that’s great. I could really do with some a bit later.”

Al suggested we head out, and so the girls grabbed their bags and we split.

We all piled into Al’s car and took off for the restaurant. Suzy was quickly into a heavy groping session around my crotch, and I was ready to do it in the car right there.

Al had to ask us to cool it a bit because he couldn’t concentrate on his driving. We got there and parked up close by, then walked around to the back stairs and up we went. The girls gave us some pretty strange looks when we walked out on the empty roof. They were expecting to see the band right away. I don’t think Al had even told them which band, or any of the other circumstances, so it was tough there for a moment.

We explained to them the special secret pass routine so we could get in, but they looked at us like we were crazy or something. And who could blame them.

Suzy however seemed the most willing to accept the notion, and we finally got them to agree that we would all do it together. Al said to the girls that if it didn’t work they could have one of his Roller paintings, so they would have done just about anything at that point.

It took a few minutes, but we finally got them to stand still, hold their breath for thirty seconds, and say Sharleena.

We were in there again, and all of a sudden the girls looked happy. Mary and her sister each took hold of one of Al’s arms, and Suzy perked up even more. She was definitely going to get it later in a new position. Maybe not too much later in fact.

“Shit Slev... that’s fucking Charlie Parker up there.”

“I’m so glad for you Al. You know, I’m just not happy unless You’re happy somehow.”

“Slev your sarcasm is really out there... you know!“

“Ok, Al... I’m sorry. They’re just a bunch of dead musicians. Let’s just not get carried away with ourselves ok? They’re dead, we’re alive, and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“Do you think It’s ok to mingle?”

“Yeah, sure. Go where you want. And if anyone give you any trouble, just say You’re with me.”

So Al and his two blondes walked over nearer to the stage and watched the band go through their routines. They were getting it down tight. Scott and Nic seemed to be sharing the Klonemeister duties. Frank was laying on his couch listening to it all. He seemed very happy, so I approached him.

“Hey Slev, You’re back soon. How’s things going?”

“Fine Frank. Pretty good... you? You know they arrested Gail?”

“Yeah, I heard about it. But what can I do?”

“They found four bodies already, and they’re looking for more.”

“Only four so far?”

“That was the latest I heard. It could be more by now, who knows.”

“I see you brought Suzy with you tonight. She’s a cute one alright. If you stick around, We’ll play that song I just wrote about you stuffing those underpants in her mouth.”

“Great... I’m sure Suzy would love to hear it too. Maybe we can reenact it on stage for you while You’re playing it.”

“You know Slev... You’re a funny guy. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Well you know Frank... I really appreciate the compliment, but that and a dollar will get you a cup of coffee at McDonald’s.”

“You know the guys in the band would really like to thank you for bringing Chana with you last time.”

“Yeah I’m sure they would. But she’s dead too now. What happened to her?”

“Well, she and Keith were going at it pretty good, and he asked her to go back outside to an old address he knew and score some blue ones for him. Then she was to bring them back. So that’s what she did. She left here with cum running out of her asshole, scored the blues for Keith, and was hit by a Fed Ex truck when she was crossing the alley. The guy was too busy looking at his parcels and mowed her down.”

“Jeezus. that’s terrible.”

“I know. But fortunately, she had such a great time, she came right back and carried on from where she left off. She wants to go out on tour with us to provide her special services for the guys while we’re out there. I told her we ain’t ever coming back this way, but she said she didn’t mind.”

“Where is she?”

“She’s over there behind one of the lighting towers. The boys made up a little mattress area for her in the corner. You should go see her. She really liked you.”

“Cheers... I think I will.”

So I walked over there to the corner, and sure enough there she was. Buck-naked stretched out on some beaver skins with her ass in the air. She was currently being prodded by two of the guys simultaneously in her asshole, but when she saw me, she asked them to stop and take five. She was learning her music cues as well now.

“Slev. Did you hear what happened to me?”

“Yeah... I was going frantic wondering where you were. Then I saw it on the news, and I couldn’t believe it. The news said that you had been sexually assaulted and sodomized.”

“Well, that was the best part. The worst part was the fucking dumb-ass’d Fed Ex driver. He just came up the alley without even looking where he was going. Next thing I knew I was flying through the air.”

“I’m really sorry Chana. I was trying to get hold of you to bring to tonight anyway...”

“But you brought little Suzy instead I see.”

“Well, only after I heard you were dead. I didn’t expect to see you here, honest. Suzy is just a friend anyway.”

“Yeah sure Slev.. Look don’t worry. I’m not jealous. She probably won’t be as good as me in that department, but she looks like she could handle it. You should try it with her. Meanwhile, how about slipping it in me for old time’s sake. Just a quickie.”

I didn’t take any persuading. I looked over to see where Suzy was and she seemed ok with Al and the other girls, so I quickly stripped off and slid it into Chana’s ass for one last time. It didn’t quite feel so tight anymore, but it still felt good. I stroked away and came in seconds.

“We gotta do that one more time before you leave. That just wasn’t long enough.”

“It never is for you” I said to her. “I’ll be back though. don’t go anywhere.”

I walked over to Al the girls and Suzy. I told them Chana was over there and she wanted to talk to me, but the boner was still sticking through my pants for all to see. Al just grinned and Suzy rubbed her hand over it.

“Save some for me Big Boy” she said smiling.

“You know Al, There’s some convenience mattresses over there if you and the girls want to make use of them. Just go right ahead if you get the urge. I think It’s cool. Just watch out for some the guys in the band. They’ll be humping on your ass in two seconds if they see it naked.”

I suggested to Suzy that she go over and talk to Chana and find out some of my favorite things while I talked with Frank, and if she felt like doing anything, it was ok with me.

I walked over to Frank and asked how things were going with the master tape, but he seemed more concerned with other things right then. Then he was back with me.

“Frank... I was going to tell you.... The label thing is all set up now. Anytime You’re ready to roll, the label is ready.”

“It’s ready. I want you to take it with you tonight. This is our last rehearsal. I know It’s gonna sound good.”

“Well, you know Frank, I’m curious about something. Well a couple of things actually.”

“What?”

“Well, why me? I’m an ‘ok’ artist, but I have to wonder why you chose me? Why not Cal Schenkel? He did most of your other stuff, and I thought you liked him.”

“I do... Cal’s a great guy... but he’s a fruit cake. I can never get hold of him and he never makes deadline. And since he did all those rereleases for Reeko, and became a CD Design Consultant, he’s even worse. He never returns your phone calls or answers his e-mail... nuthin’. The last I heard of Cal, he’d bought houses in Beverly Hills and Monte Carlo, and was trying to pass himself off as a member of the British Royal family. He was telling everyone he was Prince Charles or something. He was last seen cruising down the French Riviera with a couple of teenage hitchhikers he’d picked up in cannes. No... I want you to do it. You’re professional.”

“Ok, I can understand that, but when I release the Big Note album, it won’t have any distribution. No-one will be able to buy it. I don’t geddit.”

“Mariel will help you. Trust me. She’s a wiz at mail order.”

“I thought she was dead.”

“No she ain’t dead. She had been confined to... shall we say... certain quarters of the house, but she’s free now, and I want her to help you sell this sucker. Now why don’t you and Suzy assume your positions so we can play the new song for you.”

He walked off and took center stage and asked the lighting guys to let him have it pretty dark, with just a little spotlight shining down on the mattress that was now in the middle of the stage.

I wasn’t looking forward to this at all, but it seemed Suzy didn’t mind. I don’t know who told her, but she appeared from the side somewhere and came over to the mattress and stripped off everything.

“Now tie her up like you did before.”

“Frank, I don’t perform at my best with people watching...”

“Will you stop bitchin’ I’m starting the song with or without you.”

“Ok, you start the song, and maybe I’ll get into it.”

So he started the song. It was about a guy called Slev who was the most oversexed perverted person on the planet, even more so than Jim Morrison or Keith Moon and Mick Jagger, and it went on about how I got my jollies by tying-up cute women by the legs and arms, and porking them in every orifice while they were helpless. I began to get into it, and pretty soon I had completely tied Suzy up and was porking her like crazy. I even slipped it into her ass for good measure. And she liked it.

Al came over with his two blondes and they joined in, and it was ok after all. I just had to shed my inhibitions a little, that was all. Even Chana joined in while the band were playing the climactic end section, and it was a funny song for sure.

Somehow I didn’t want it to ever stop, but Frank called a take ten and came over to me.

“That was magnificent Slev. You were all great. I almost got hard-on myself just watching you.”

“Thanks Frank. I sort of enjoyed it as well you know, but I guess we should be taking off pretty soon or my dick is likely to fall off.”

“Well, here’s the tape... You know where Mariel is... You should have no problems. You can do it. I have faith in you.”

“There was just one other thing.”

“What?”

“Well, I understand about selling it by mail-order with Mariel an’ all that, but you never said how people are gonna actually know about it.”

“People will know about it, trust me.”

“But how exactly. You have to tell me HOW.”

“Well You’re going to write a book about it all.”

So I did, and You’re holding it in your hands right now.

In fact, you just finished it.